Posted by jammerlich on January 17, 2006, at 17:33:00
In reply to Re: Just a broken record here » jammerlich, posted by fairywings on January 16, 2006, at 0:28:21
**Can you by any chance share with him how that makes you feel like you have to hide your pain from him? That you need him to be strong for you right now?
I've tried before and it's never seemed to work. Seems pointless now - will only result in more hurt feelings and I already have enough of those.
***I don't think there are many of us who fully realize what we're getting ourselves into as far as the feelings we develop for our T's. I think the T's know it's bound to happen, and there are a lot of types of therapies where the transference is felt to be necessary.
I think one of the big problems is that I'm not exactly sure she practices one of these therapies. I never asked and we didn't talk about the relationship much. I don't know if that's because I never brought it up or because she didn't want to. That's probably something important to find out if I do go back to her. If she doesn't, I'm afraid it will always be painful and maybe it'd be better to cut my losses and run.
**Sounds like she knew what you needed, and it sounds like you put up a bit of a wall, but she wanted to help you take down that wall and let her in, so she could help you and comfort you. She sounds very kind and caring.So much of the time she really was. She surprised me with it all the time - offering hugs, calling occasionally between sessions, allowing me to call her as often as I needed. Those things shocked, pleased and terrified me all at the same time. I didn't really know what to do with it. But there at the end, she seemed very unkind and I'm not really sure which, if any, of my perceptions were/are correct.
**Yep, it's confusing and painful to be an adult and feel so childlike.
It really is. I wish it didn't hurt so much.
***I completely understand this. It feels like an addiction, like a spiral that you'll never be able to work your way out of, and you're afraid of getting caught up in it, and lost. I think it's completely normal to want that kind of attention, caring, reassurance, closeness, but at the same time, since it's not a relationship that's supposed to go on forever, it's very scary.Yes, it's doomed to end, so why let it happen in the first place? I had/have very little hope that the feelings will lessen gradually and that the process will work. And everything you said, I'd tell another person, but I just can't seem to make it apply to me. Somehow, I'm different - in my own mind, I mean. I wish I could allow myself the same compassion I have for others. But I can't.
***Maybe, since she called you, and sees that there's still a need for therapy, she sees that you felt so much danger in allowing her in? Maybe she knows you'll still have that wall around you, maybe she'll know it'll be reinforced at first? Sounds like that's a good place to start.
Well, I'd definitely write a lot for her before I went back. I'd tell her that it's the relationship I'm ambivalent about, not therapy itself and that the relationship scares me. But I'm not so sure I could admit the feelings I have for her and about the touching, etc. That would make me feel more vulnerable and I don't want her to have any more power than she must - not at first.
**Any chance you can make an appt., and then put all of those feelings down in writing and send them to her b4 your first appt., so that she will know where to start, and you won't have a way to let yourself off the hook as far as letting her know how you're feeling?
I'm not sure I'm allowed to just call and make an appointment. I'd write to her first, telling her as much as I feel safe telling, and then make an appointment if she contacted me giving her consent. It's just the writing of that letter that's so hard.
Thanks for posting to me. I really do appreciate it.
poster:jammerlich
thread:599520
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/600051.html