Posted by littleone on January 15, 2006, at 23:50:04
In reply to Re: Intense feelings for T » littleone, posted by littlegirllost on January 13, 2006, at 11:48:15
> ~*~ Thanks, I appreciate that. I always feel like a burden and struggle with feeling accepted, so I tend to stay quiet. Though I also want to mention to you and anyone else that my email is always open.
You remind me a lot of me. I’m sorry it takes me so long to reply. I find posting hard and usually have to let things percolate a bit before responding. It’s no reflection on you. I like talking to you. And thanks for the email offer. That is very sweet. I know I was upset about getting no babblemails, but it’s probably for the best. I get so antsy and do a runner when people get close to me. I think I would find babblemails too intimate if that makes sense. On the boards I can hide better, just one of many.
> ~*~ I like that idea and maybe I can try it... if I remember. I find that as soon as I walk into her office, I feel better (or at least forget how bad things really are)... sorta like taking a klonopin. :)
I so understand what you mean. How do they do that? Is it special air in their office? Or subliminal messages emitted in the waiting room? It’s almost like I’m trained to react to his voice.
Also, you probably shouldn’t put your safety clause in there of “if I remember”. That gives you an out, so it’s like you’re giving yourself permission to forget and you don’t have to commit to it. Therapy is all about taking risks and seeing what happens. Scary stuff, I know. I find just committing to tell just as scary as the telling itself. And if remembering really is a problem, write it down. I know it gets said all the time, but it really does help. You don’t even have to write out the whole thing. If you talk to your T okay, then just writing one word to remind you is enough.
> ~*~ Well, I don't actually tell her most of them. Basically I just tell her how hard it is to leave. I think she can read between the lines about the rest, but there's just so much, and I'm embarassed and judge myself and my thoughts/feelings very harshly.
>
> ~*~ Well she lets me call or email whenever I want, and surprisingly (or not) her rules about that are not as harsh as mine!
> She has also given/let me borrow a little elephant statue she had on her shelf; so I can always hold that. The problem is, I don't know what more she CAN do. I'm thankful that I can call and stuff, so why do I still feel this way? :(I understand. And I do remember the elephant. That was sweet.
I’m not sure if this is a problem for you or not, but I know I have problems holding on to my T. I can’t remember what he looks or sounds like. Sometimes he’s so far away from me I wonder if he was someone I made up. I just can’t stay connected to him. I know sometimes it was bad to leave him because I could already feel him disappearing. It even felt like he was leaving me (rather than me walking away) which brought up abandonment fears.
Is any of that like what you experience? If not, maybe it would help to write out (even if it’s just for yourself, not your T at first) what leaving her feels like for you. What thoughts you have. Free associate a bit about what could be causing any fear/anger/sadness you’re feeling. Remember that this won’t just be about your T. It’s probably also related to someone/something from your past. Understanding is the first step towards healing.
poster:littleone
thread:595631
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/599522.html