Posted by crazy teresa on December 26, 2005, at 16:07:40
In reply to For HappyFlower, posted by orchid on December 13, 2005, at 21:21:22
Not to stir the pot, but in hopes that a bigger picture will emerge for someone, somewhere.
POSTED BY ORCHID:
But apart from that, as to what you said about my marriage, well, the thing is I am from a different country and a totally different culture. If I get a divorse, the chance of remarriage is extremely slim for me here. And I can't marry outside my country or race because of my own preference. I just wouldn't feel comfortable marrying someone outside my country. So I have to take that into consideration when I plan my actions about my marriage.
QUESTIONS I HAVE:
1. When did which country you live in or what culture you were raised in determine whether or not it's ok to abuse others? This is not a cultural issue!2. Does having a husband make you a more valuable person? Why are you so afraid of being without one?
POSTED BY ORCHID:
Plus, there are things about my hsuband which are extremely nice. And I know he physically assaulted me, more than a few times. But he still is a nice person at heart. Maybe I wouldn't have taken it if I were originally from the Western world. But I have lots of other issues to consider, about my society and my family and friends here, and it is just not an easy decision to take about a divorce. If I get a divorce, it will not only affect me, but my parents, my relatives etc - everybody here. And I was the first girl from my family circle who did something totally different and married out of love, and went to the US etc. If my marriage fails, I not only affect my immediate family, but I will also end up being a bad excuse for many of my cousins who are planning to be free and independant - for their parents to prevent them from what they want to do.QUESTIONS I HAVE:
1. How does the western world figure into this? Again, this is not a cultural thing! People all around the world rationalize themselves into staying in abusive relationships. The pattern stays the same.2. So when considering the issues you mentioned, do you consider that you could actually be reinforcing the idea of remaining with an abuser by keeping quiet to your cousins, friends, and fellow countrywomen? By staying in this relationship aren't you still silently telling them it's ok to suffer abuse if you (not your parents) have chosen the man and you continue to remind yourself he has a good heart?
3. Maybe you married for love and saw the US, but how has this empowered you? The result is still the same as if you had accepted an arranged marriage and stayed in your home country, is it not? Your husband still has all the power in your marriage, which includes physically assulting you-- as you have stated.
4. How exactly is anyone ever free and independant while in an abusive relationship?
5. I encourage you to do something totally different: Live your life against abuse! You could teach these girls it's not ok to accept abuse under any circumstances! It would be so awesome for you to make the leap from using an internet site anonymously to speaking out publicly against abuse and live like you mean it!
6. Divorce effects parents, relatives, friends, co-workers, neighbors, children, businesses, societies, and is never an easy decision! Why do I feel as if you think divorce in the US is easy?
POSTED BY ORCHID:
I feel responsible to many of my cousins (girls) and the society and since I was the first one to go out and change, I want to be a good example so people can follow.
>
> You may not be able to fully picturize what I am talking about, but it is just perhaps very different.QUESTION I HAVE:
1. What exactly have you changed if you still have no freedom from an abusive marriage in your society?POSTED BY ORCHID:
So I think I was projecting that same kind of caution on to you as well. But as you said, you are in a different state - you don't have the same kind of restrictions and limitations that I have. So maybe it just does'nt apply to you. You are much more free to enjoy and explore and choose the life you want than I am. I should have taken that into consideration before airing my views.
>QUESTION I HAVE:
1. Who has placed the restrictions and limitations on you? In accepting these ideas of your culture, are you not placing them on yourself and eventually your children, thereby limiting the ablility to enjoy, explore, and choose the way lives are lived?Sincerely motivated,
crazy teresa
poster:crazy teresa
thread:588054
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051216/msgs/592250.html