Posted by muffled on November 22, 2005, at 14:58:05
In reply to t-day and family***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on November 22, 2005, at 12:01:41
> well, i'm taking off from work now and won't be back till next monday. so happy t-day all.
> tomorrow i'll spend working on my paper. and t-day i'll be at inlaws. that will be ok.***Will you be able to babble? I will be thinking of you. I been doing that 8's thing on paper this a.m. It works for the worst times. Its weird, you get all caught up in the 8's somehow, the forming of them.
>
> it's saturday that i'll need to struggle through. it will really be the first/kinda second time i'll see my brother since all this came out. i'm feeling really apprehensive about this.***SH*T**********
> my instinct is to suck it all up and pretend i don't feel anything, like nothing is wrong, inside i'll be hurt, scared, feeling stupid and vulnerable.
****Whats in Gods name are you supposed to do???????? If it was me I'd go tell him to f*ck himself, spit in his face, and walk away. I would not speak to him. He is not worthy of being spoken to.
> i keep thinking of what my t said yesterday in session and it's making me sick to my stomach. i was talking about that stupid little girl again.
> i mentioned that*******yeah.....sh*t.
I just thot of something. Maybe we get mad at girl cuz she wasn't strong enough. For me, I must be strong. I don't show weakness, weakness is bad. Tough, thats me. Sh*t. My stomach hurts.> ***trigger***
> my abuser used to say we weren't doing anything wrong, that it wasn't really sex cuz he didn't stay in very long.
> my T asked if i had a little girl and someone penetrated her just a little would that be wrong. God help me i knew the right answer but i just can't feel it. part of me says ANYONE who even comes NEAR my child in a sexual way i will beat the crud out of them, the other part says well if what happened to me wasnt really sex then it wasn't. i'm sick about it babble. i feel like such a complete perverted freak!!!!!*****No not sick and perverted. Just scared and confused and trying every possible way to protect youself inside. I should know. I don't think the way you think is strange at all. Its just something that you need to do right now.Its ok. Where you are now is where you need to be, and you will move on when the time is right. You moving forward all the time. Just seems SO freaking slow its hard to see.
> if my t had said some (other) little girl i would have no problem saying it was wrong, but when he said MY little girl, i couldn't do it. i'm confused and scared and starting to get mad.
*** sorry bout the confused and scared, but f*cking son of a bitch you oughtta be mad. I'm so f*cking mad for you. Not at the girl but at your brother. HE's the perverted freak.
Just remember, emotions are signals. You mad cuz you got a right to be mad. Its good. The mad signal is telling you, you WERE hurt, you do hurt, it wasn't right, it wasn't fair. So now you goto figger with your T. what you gonna do about it. Its time to heal and move on. I'm not sure bout all that stuff yet. But anger is ok. Just like anxiety. It comes on very powerful, but its like waves too, and if we can breath and say calming mantra then it will ease for a bit. We CAN ride it out. We don't need to explode. We don't have to act in a bad way towards others or ourselves over it. We can control our emotions cuz they just signals. We can hide in a closet and draw 8's.I dunno whether I talking to you or myself. Sorry.
>
> please forgive me for thinking what i have.
> b2c.****I'm not sure what you mean there? Could you please explain?
Could you please forgive me if I am putting all my mind-sh*t on you somehow?
You'll be ok B2, it may be so freaking hard at times, but you tough, you'll survive and be back to tell us about it so I can learn more from you. You help me lots. I need you to help me move along.
I'm sorry B2, such sh*t should never happen...............................
I now sit silently beside you. Our shoulders touch, our misery mingles, we are not alone. Maybe ghost can sit on other side too. Bet she will. You will be surrounded by caring and understanding and knowing. Can you make a mind picture to hold onto?
Muffled.
poster:muffled
thread:581230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581283.html