Posted by gardenergirl on November 17, 2005, at 8:05:41
In reply to How are you doing gardengirl? I hope ok (nm), posted by happyflower on November 16, 2005, at 12:27:09
My session this week was not that great. I felt very un-validated and very challenged by him. I suppose I was a bit primed to feel that way from an earlier conversation, but still. It was frustrating. The younger part of me feels like everyone is saying what happened with my hubby was "my fault" and/or that I shouldn't be feeling as hurt and angry as I did and still am to some extent.
So moving right into trying to understand my hubby's point of view feels like taking sides. I didn't quite feel scolded, but when I left, I just burst into sobs. It was very unexpected and confusing. I suppose it was a reaction to leaving, knowing I wasn't going to "get" to come back for a week. And I was feeling very "unfed" was far as the nurturing and caring I often feel from therapy. So I was going away "hungry", and I couldn't come back to the table for a week.
I think I felt a bit like I had been a "bad girl". Some of that comes from my husband, who's position is that his reaction was "my fault" because I didn't keep my end of a very stupid and damaging bargain. (bah, that's a huge story!). So I feel like I'm hearing this from all sides, even though I know it's not exactly what people are saying.
I guess I'm just not all that ready to be compassionate and analyzing of what happened from his perspective, when I'm still trying to deal with my own emotions and reactions and what they mean to me. I guess he didn't get that. :(
And of course I am capable of understanding at least to some extent, what's going on with my husband, and I do feel compassion for him. I do want to understand and improve things. So it's complicated and conflicted. But like other times, I feel a lot like, "But what about me?"
I hate that feeling. It's old and ugly.
Hope you're not sorry you asked. :(
I appreciate knowing you care.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:578364
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/579572.html