Posted by daisym on October 23, 2005, at 20:32:27
In reply to Such a fake **Trigger** csa, posted by antigua on October 23, 2005, at 18:46:46
>>>>I'm getting really good at faking my life, pretending that everything is fine when inside I feel worse than mabye ever before. Maybe not that bad, but pretty bad.
<<<<<I know about pretty bad. And I really know about faking it. It is an old defensive position, how can anyone hurt me if they don't see the weak spots? And frankly, I guess I don't think they CAN help me so there is no reason to let them see all the anguish. Does this ring true? If you don't believe it would help to let it out, it gets almost impossible to this.>>>I have a new pdoc who I saw on Friday. I'm certain much of these low, low feelings are about medication. The pdoc switched me off Effexor to Cymbalta, but I feel like i'm on nothing. It's all there, and I can't get away from it. He says we need to give the new drug more time; sometimes I worry there isn't time. Three days this week I stayed in bed literally all day, but, of course, jumped out of bed when the kids came home from school.
<<<<Getting out of bed for the kids proves how strong you are. You are doing what you know you have to. Going to a new pdoc also takes strength. I see a new one on Wed and I'm terrified. I guess I agree that you do need to give the new drug sometime to work but it sounds awfully hard waiting for it to kick in. Try not to be too hard on yourself during this switch.>>>>>>Therapy is so hard right now. Part of me thinks it's good to be hit w/these intense feelings while I'm unmedicated because I really think the medication keeps me from feeling. Feelings are always blocked; they aren't now. I still don't cry, though, that's the hardest thing to do. A good long cry would help, I'm sure.
<<<<Feelings are definately a double-edge sword. It is hard to feel them intensely but I agree that the walled off, sort of empty feeling is awful too. For me, it reminds me how I've felt most of my life, numb and dissociated. I cried in Church this morning. It did feel like a release of sorts but not near enough. Maybe watch an old movie or look at old pictures.>>>>>Same old story: I just want to be held and told that it's all going to be o.k. I want to be touched, too, to satisfy the desire, and that's humiliating to face. Tricky thing is it has to be by a man and it's not my husband. I'd like to just get the damn hug so I'd discover it isn't what I long for, and then I could move forward.
<<<<*sigh* I wish I knew what to suggest here. Those needs are linked and old yet so human too. Would it be worth it to just 'steal' the hug? Sort of in a 'I lost my head' kind of way. Can you talk to your therapist about the desires that feel humiliating? I think this might lead to a powerful discussion about needs and sex and love and how they all get mixed up.>>>>>I can't stop thinking about my father and how much I loved him. I have this real dilemma, which I'm working on. If, as my wonderful T says, he is totally responsible for the abuse (I accept this intellectually), that means I was less than nothing to him. It was him taking advantage of whatever body was available. So to take that tact leaves me with even worse feelings for myself. And yes, I did want the love and attention the good father gave me, and I know that I was just a child and that every child craves the attention, but to think I was nothing, that I asked for it, is so much harder to take.
<<<<I don't believe you were nothing to your dad. You don't know what his motives or pathologies were, just as I will never know what drove my dad. But I believe that the love they felt for us was real, twisted maybe, but real. And the anger that got all mixed up in it was probably at themselves, not at us. It was just the only way they could live with themselves, to introject these horrible feelings of guilt and self-hatred into us. I think it is hard to come to grips with the two dads that exist for us and if we do, does that mean we have to give up the loving parts that meant so much to us? I have to say that of all the best things my therapist has done for me is to accept that I love my dad and still want him in my life in some way, while simultaneously letting me hate him for all the pain, then and now. Interestingly enough, for me, the "I'm nothing" mantra comes in around my mom. I believe I wasn't worth saving, wasn't worth looking closely at and still have to hide my pain in order to be acceptable to her.>>>>>Does this make any sense? I'm sorry; I'm just so miserable. I know the meds will kick in, but moment to moment is so difficult.
<<<<<<It makes perfect sense to me. And moment by moment is the only way to get through it. Don't be sorry for sharing. I wish I could do something about your misery besides matching stories. Hang on though, it is important to keep your head above water. Keep posting. Sometimes jsut writing it down helps.
Tight hugs from me.
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:571116
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051018/msgs/571154.html