Posted by daisym on October 18, 2005, at 12:31:34
In reply to Re: Reply to Orchid, posted by frida on October 18, 2005, at 8:39:58
I think that so much of this has to do with my mother...I wanted her to see, to feel my hurt and to rescue me. I wanted her to hold me and comfort me and tell me how to care for the parts that hurt that I didn't even know could hurt. I wanted someone to make sense out of the confusion.
Now I want that from my therapist. I want him to see and to feel my hurt. And the only way I can do that is to keep saying it out loud, and when I can't say it out loud, I demonstrate in so many other ways that I'm hurting. And he tells me that I need a network, a group around me to help me when I can't pull myself up and out of it.
But I don't want that. (OK, sometimes I want that. I think I use the board for that kind of support.) I want HIM to hear me and see all this pain. And I'm now sure it is because I wanted HER and only HER...or especially HER to see that I was suffering.
So I'm beginning to think that the reason I'm resisting medications (though I'm now using them) and resisting the care of my friends and resisting sleeping is because the one thing I want, the think I need, is for her to see that her little girl is suffering. Does that mean she will see that I'm not perfect? Can I risk that? I think that the depths of this despair indicate how big I think the pain has to be in order to get her to notice.
And I hold out no hope that she ever will. So I cling to my therapist noticing and the minute I think he is wavering, changing his attention to something else (other clients, his vacation) I try to pull in and instead the pain gains strength and volume again.
The hardest part is recognizing all of this and doing it anyway. :(
poster:daisym
thread:566593
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051018/msgs/568538.html