Posted by Tamar on August 1, 2005, at 7:17:18
In reply to Is it genuine? Or even okay?, posted by molly_a on August 1, 2005, at 1:47:40
Hi Molly, and welcome to Babble!
Your question is very sensible and I’m hoping that people who know more than me will chip in and answer too.
It sounds good that you love your therapist and you know he loves you. And yet I can imagine you might feel uncomfortable about what’s going on, especially after reading what people here say about boundaries.
From what I’ve read, it’s not uncommon for the boundaries to be a little different in therapy with kids. Kids often need physical contact from their therapists in order for therapy to work, and they sometimes need to be told outright that the therapist loves them, because they don’t have adult ways of relating to other people.
Having said that, I think the stuff I was reading was about pre-teens. If you’re 14, then of course you’re not a little kid any more. You’re at that complicated stage between childhood and adulthood. So I can imagine that the boundaries might not be the same as for women in their twenties or older, but also the boundaries might not be the same as for little kids. And as far as I know, most therapists who work with children and teenagers specialise in work with young people rather than working with adults. I don’t know if that’s the case with your therapist.
If you feel comfortable with the hugs and with your therapist saying he loves you, then I think it’s OK. The only point that worries me a little is that he says he wishes you were his own child and that you’re not just an ordinary client. That doesn’t seem to be in keeping with what I think therapists should say to their clients. If he said he cares about you *as if* you were his own child, that might be different. But of course he can’t actually be your father.
And of course you are special and not *just* an ordinary client, but I don’t think he should be leading you to expect that your relationship with him can be anything but a therapeutic relationship. If it were to become something else (like a friendship) then it wouldn’t be therapy any more and then you’d need to find a new therapist. And I don’t think he should be disclosing very much about himself beyond the basics (like his age, whether he’s married, whether he has kids, that sort of thing). But I’m not an expert.
I think if you are worried (or if you ever become worried) about anything he does or says, then you should tell another adult. Is there someone you can trust to talk to about it? The fact is, most therapists are responsible, professional people who don’t take advantage of their clients. But the few therapists who act inappropriately can do a great deal of damage. It’s hard to trust your instincts in therapy, especially when you’re a teenager and you don’t have as much life experience as older women. But there are a few things to watch out for: if he ever suggests meeting outside therapy, or if he ever tells you very personal details about his life (like for example how he feels about his wife). That sort of thing would be worrying.
If you feel able to talk to him about it, that might help. If you ask him to explain how the boundaries for teenagers in therapy are different from the boundaries for adults, perhaps he can set your mind at rest. And at least it will make him think about the way he’s working with the boundaries in your relationship. But I know it’s difficult to raise things like this in therapy.
> Thank you for listening to me. I know I'm young and naive, but I'll try my best to help others here on Babble.
You may be young, but you sound mature and wise. I hope you find a way to work out the answers to these complex questions!
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:536274
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050801/msgs/536307.html