Posted by frida on July 31, 2005, at 12:29:43
In reply to Terminations, posted by daisym on July 30, 2005, at 13:55:55
hi,
I won't be able to contribute much to this, because just reading these posts have made me cry. I can't imagine leaving my T forever.
She gave me something /gives me something I had never had in my whole life.
If I were to lose her it would be just unbearable for me. It would be even more painful than the pain of the abuse back then and the isolation. Because she made me feel that it mattered, what happens, and she makes me feel that i can somehow go back and heal that deep hurt- if she were to leave, after the years it took me to build trust in her and the relationship we built the pain would be so deep.
I do love her dearly, and I believe she does love me too. She has told me and shown me in a lot of ways and she has tried so hard to help me and teach me how to trust. We worked so hard at our relationship.
The way I see it, and from what she said, she will always leave the door open for me and we won't lose touch. I feel I would see her at least once in a while, and call her, and share the most important or special moments in my life with her.
I believe she'll always be part of my life.
Why would we have to stop seeing each other when we've come to mean so much to each other and after sharing so much together? years and a lot of deep deep moments?
we still have a lot of work to do- but it soothes my heart to think that she will be in my life no matter what. Maybe I may see her less, once a month, just to check in or share, but I don't want her to be out of my life completely.
And the few times we talked about this, I think she also agrees about leaving a door open always and staying in touch.It makes me cry to read about terminations.
I'd better stop :-)Thank you
Frida> I actually said to my therapist on Friday that I was going to try to enter into this discussion about termination that was going on. He asked the same question you did, "what do you imagine it is going to feel like and how do you think it would be easier?" It has been an intense on/off issue for me since I got attached, knowing it *is* going to end at some point and trying to figure out how I'll stand it. My therapist is always straight up about "yes, it will end" but he reminds me that it will be on my schedule and just like therapy doesn't have to go on forever, it doesn't have to end forever either. He leaves an open door for past clients and he said it isn't unusual for folks to call him up and come in to sort through a few things, catch up or just touch base and make sure he is still there. I think knowing that eases the pain of it, because it doesn't feel like a permanent loss. And not being pushed out of the nest too quickly is going to be what I personally need.
>
> We talked about deep attachment feelings, like I have. He said these usually ease off organically, the more secure you get about the attachment, the less angst there is over it. He believes that talking about it promotes the healing. He said he can't imagine ending a therapy relationship without saying, "I know I will think about you and wonder how you are, so I imagine you will too. Are there feelings we should talk about or anything you'd like to share about how you are feeling?" He said if you don't make it OK for people to be sad and upset and grieve something that is often self chosen, they feel like they can't or shouldn't -- exactly because it is self-chosen. We all know that just because something is the right thing, doesn't mean it isn't still a painful thing. Sort of like kids leaving home.
>
> So I guess like most things in therapy, termination would be easier if you had a space of time to talk about the feelings, knowing that they aren't pathological but rather a healthy reflection of a relationship that meant (means?) alot to you. And I think disclosure on the part of the therapist about what they are feeling too would help. I think we often wonder if they will miss us...and if they think we are ready or if we are making a mistake, etc. I think this is critical for those terminations that take place with no possibility of return visits or contact. I think that as many questions need to be answered as possible and as honestly as possible. It seems to me that people get stuck when they are left wondering -- did he hate me? Was it real for her too? Would they have done anything different? Do they miss me? I'm not suggesting feeding fantasy but instead providing closure.
>
> Sorry, this got long. I've obviously been thinking about it.
poster:frida
thread:535044
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/535978.html