Posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 7:40:10
In reply to Re: What goes through a child abuser mind *trigger* » happyflower, posted by daisym on July 24, 2005, at 0:58:44
> I'm so sorry for what you endured.
>
> You don't have to answer this...if you needed to rage and then stop, I completely understand. On the other hand, if you could stand a little back and forth:Well I waited to answer this post last, because it is really making me think. It seems like you are asking these quesions, Daisy, for help in understanding your stuff. I have more thinking to do, but I will answer what I think I feel and believe.
I think as an adult, I can see that the evil had to do with her, not me. But as a child, how could I ever have rationalized that? I don't think I could, so probably as a child, I thought it was something I was doing to cause her anger and hate. I am sure I thought it was my fault. I always knew something wasn't right with my family.
Luckly, I could watch things like The Cosby Show, Bradey Bunch,Little House, and Leave it to Beaver, to hope and dream for a family like those. For parents who loved me, yes I will always yearn for that love. I did have some wonderful friends parents and teachers who gave me more than they ever reallized. My brother wasn't so luckey. He is really messed up and will probably always be. He got it a lot worse than me. I am sure at one point in my life I thought I wasn't good enough for a mothers love. But I don't think that now, thank goodness.> >
> For me, the sexual abuse, in the name of love and soothing and as an apology for being harsh left a wake of confusion. After all I wanted the love, so why not the acts? I wanted to be special, didn't I? And...I swear I've heard this...it isn't supposed to linger as traumatic because girls eventually have sex anyway, right?Really what you were receiveing wasn't really love, it was someone's sick lust and abuse. But I am sure as a child you felt it was special and love. Yes, girls eventally have sex, but it is a mutual thing, a loving thing, something you SHARE with other. Your abuser was TAKING it from you. It is not the same thing.
> I have asked the "How could he?" question so any times in therapy, complete with quiver chin and tearful outrage. And equally vehemently I ask, "how could he leave me?"
I think if you grew up thinking that this was love, then of course you would wonder "why" he left you and would miss him. It makes a lot of scense to me why you have this conflict.
I never felt love or anything for my mother. I did feel hate, but I don't even feel that anymore. I guess I never knew what I was missing, so I don't miss it so much now. Now I have others in my life who love me, so missing a mother, I don't know what I have ever missed. I don't know if this makes sense or not, Daisy,. I do have to think about it more, maybe I will come up with something else. Thank you for you support as always, Daisy. It means a lot!
:)
> I'd really like to know what you think.
poster:happyflower
thread:532294
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/532613.html