Posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 1:41:54
In reply to Re: No one Dreams of the Perfect Mother?, posted by pegasus on July 21, 2005, at 17:40:28
I wanted a mother who would have comforted me physically for as long as I wanted her too. She would have caught my tears with her shoulder, instead of reminding me that tears accomplish nothing. She would have rubbed a hurting tummy and used mommy magic to make it better, instead of reminding me that I shouldn't have eaten ice cream. She would have let me sit on her lap and rock outside on the porch after dinner, instead of reminding me that there were still dishes to be done.
I wanted a mother who made me feel safe. She would have let me leave the light on in the hallway because I was afraid of the dark, instead of reminding me that I was a big girl now. She would have said "come get me if you have a bad dream" instead of reminding me that her closed door meant I was not to knock and wake her or (God forbid) dad up. She would have wondered about my withdrawal, instead of reminding me that shy people end up at the end of the line in life.
I wanted a mother who was tuned in enough to sense what was happening and make it stop. I wanted a mother who could see my pain.
I still want that.
I know my therapist can't ever be the mother I didn't have. But truly, one of the best things he ever said to me was that, even if my mother didn't know what was happening, it was OK for me to think that she should have and to feel outrage that she didn't guess and didn't save me, and he makes it equally OK that I love her and still want to protect her. When I ache for these things I'll never get from her, he reminds me that "at least" I have him now to listen to all the hurt and fear and he says he does see the pain and he promised to always leave the hall light on for me -- "so you can find me when you need me."
poster:daisym
thread:491935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/531388.html