Posted by LadyBug on July 19, 2005, at 14:50:53
Yesterday I had my appointment with my T. Everything has been going well for her and I. That's such a good feeling.
Over the weekend I was having some issues with my 14 year old. I decided to check the history on our computer and found out some stuff she has done with her best friend and had lied about it. I was upset. I won't go into detail about the issues. I will say that I was up until 5:00 AM yesterday and woke up at 7:00 AM. That gave me 2 hours of sleep before I had to get up and get ready to go to my therapy appointment.
I wasn't going to bring up anything about my daughter. But she could tell something was weighing heavy on my mind. I told her pretty much everything. She was understanding and loving towards me.
I said, I know your kids are all perfect, right? She said, No that's how come I can relate to your Motherly heartbreak.
We talked about "us" for the last 20 min. At the end, I said I don't know when to come back. She said I think you should come back next week. I've been going in every 2 weeks for the past few months.
I told her I had Tues. and Wed off next week. She got up to look at her appointment book. With her back facing me, she said, Tues's not looking good, and Wed's not looking good. She paused and said, could you come in Tues. at 11:00? I said No, and I started to cry. I said I don't think you want to see me. Meaning; ever again. I had cried some during our hour.
She stepped back and said, that isn't how I feel at all. I was crying as I got up to leave. She was standing by the door and asked once again if I wanted to come Tues. at 11:00. I said, no, I can't. She said, ok, call me and I will do whatever I can to fit you in. I just looked at her and held on to the door handle not wanting to open it. I didn't want anyone in the hall to see me crying as I've had that happen before. As I stood there she said, "You'll be in my heart", and I left. It was so ironic she said; You'll be in my heart. I was listening to a CD on my way in and I listened over and over the song called 'You'll Be In My Heart' from the movie Tarzan, (Phil Collins).
I didn't want to leave. I stopped by the restroom down the hall before going out to my car. When I got out to my car I turned on the CD and listened to that song over and over for about 15 min. I was crying. I think I was feeling so tender and hurt because of what I found out about my daughter, not getting any sleep, not wanting to leave her office and feeling like she didn't want to see me again.
I left feeling open ended. I don't have an appointment scheduled. I'm being stupid. I don't want to call her. I know she won't call me to check on me unless I wait a few weeks and then she might call to see what's up. I know her by now. Years ago, she would have called yesterday and wanted to talk about what happened. Now I know her to wait for me to call her and start again.
I'm hurting so bad inside. I want to call and say, you hurt my feelings when you said Tues and Wed weren't looking good. I want her to call me!!!! But I KNOW she won't!!!!!!
Dang I hate this process sometimes!!!!
I know this is long. I know when I need to sort something out???? I always do it better when I can write it down. I wrote in my journal last night. I know by now, this pain will go away in time. That is one thing I've learned in therapy. Nothing lasts forever;. Not even pain. Maybe I should just give it a few days and do nothing.....but I want to talk to my T !!!!! I'm like the little glrl and I want my Mommy!!!
I thought I could move past this stage. I thought I was ready to start the terminatin process. I know I've slipped back to a place I don't like to be.
Well for now, I guess this is enough. If you've read this, thanks for your paitience...... I know you all have pain of your own
Hugs to all who read this!!!!LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:530143
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/530143.html