Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 18:58:53
In reply to Re: My Dream (***possible trigger***) » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 28, 2005, at 18:08:38
I have had that same feeling with my husband in the first couple of years.. One year, he totally abstained from sex - because he was following a cult and I got so very mad at him.. I threatened him, cried, fought etc etc.. I didn't just wait.. and it was not that I even wanted to have sex. I was perfectly fine with really never having sex in my life time if needed be. But just that rejection was so overwhelmingly difficult to cope up with.
And it is not just sex, I think when someone rejects me, I find it so very intolerably difficult.. And more so when they reject me as a women. I even went to the extent of rejecting myself as a woman first in fear of someone else rejecting me.. I wouldn't dress well, I wouldn't wear makeup, I would choose my clothes so loose so my figure wouldn't show up. I would not talk in an adult feminine way or sexually or flirtily.. I would always be childish or extremely blunt or very logical all the time, or talk about bigger issues rather than romantically.. Retrospectively, all I wanted to do was to talk in a sweet feminine way, as a girl talking to a guy, rather than like a professional or like a child.. But I never used to allow myself to do that.
And I can understand your thing about arousal combined with fear and anger and disgust. I had the same feeling for many years - if I liked someone I would be so disgusted with myself.. and for some time I purposefully chose a jerk to talk to - becuase I thought I was too ugly for good guys.
Also what you have said about dehumanising when someone abuses you is also very valid. When you are abused, either as an adult sexually or in my case as a child, your identity gets totally confused. But I think adult sexual abuse is little different from child - because when you are raped as an adult, I think your sexual identity is threatened. but when you are abused as a child - both personal and sexual identity is threatened.
For me as a child - I was really not allowed to emerge as an individual.. my identity was always merged with my dad's. I would like everything he likes, I would not like anythign he doesn't like, I would dress the way he wants me to, I would do the things he asked me to, I would even give up playing with kids my age to play with him, I never had a sleep over with even my cousins.. My father always used to tell me he couldn't sleep without me.. and he used to hug me tightly and several days I used to sleep on top of him for many many years.. And even though he pretended to give me freedom, he never really did.. He wanted me to be his mirror, his own self, his partner, his clone. So I never really have good self identity - more so no sexual identity.. And since it is so fragile, any rejection from anyone seems impossible to take.
Thanks a lot for your input... IT really helped.
> I had the idea when I realised a certain pattern in my life. I noticed that when I really want sex and my partner isn’t in the mood I find it very difficult to handle the rejection. Most of the time it’s not really a problem, but sometimes I feel so awful at being turned down that it’s obviously completely out of proportion to the situation.
>
> When I thought about the feelings I had, I realised that it was the same combination of feelings I had when I was raped. There was physiological arousal mixed with fear and anger and self-loathing and disgust at myself. I was a bit surprised that a casual refusal of sex should lead to such strong feelings. In fact, I always felt so bad I ended up starting an argument, which would then become a massive screaming-match until eventually we made up. And then, having made up, we’d have sex! This happened often enough over the years for me to realise there was something strange going on. I wasn’t deliberately being manipulative, but once I realised what was happening I decided I needed to try to find other ways of responding to that kind of rejection.
>
> I think there’s a profound rejection involved in any kind of sexual assault. In my view, sex is supposed to be about mutual engagement in pleasure, and mutual enjoyment of physical arousal. But in a sexual assault (rape, or csa, or whatever), the victim’s role as a partner is rejected by the abuser. In the case of csa, the victim’s role as daughter, or child, is rejected as well. The victim is dehumanised by the abuser, and becomes an object of the abuser’s perverted view of sexuality and power. It isn’t possible for the victim to assert her own identity, because she’s being rejected as a person. I think that’s part of the reason why in some cases people feel as if they’re watching the assault happen to someone else. It’s very difficult to maintain a sense of who you are when your identity as a person is being rejected by someone who can overpower you.
>
> So I find any rejection, and particularly sexual rejection, a big trigger. Even the fear of rejection by friends carries a sense of losing my identity. And because of my history of sexual assault, that fear is magnified until it becomes out of proportion to the situation.
>
> I don’t think there’s a quick fix for it. Noticing what is happening and naming your feelings is one step. For me there was also something about recognising that my body is not my enemy, and accepting its suffering. Simply being able to recognise my emotional pain was helpful too. I tend to write everything down, and so I wrote pages and pages about my feelings about the past and how they seem to connect with the present. Every now and then I read what I’ve written and I ask myself whether I still feel the same way. When I go back and read my diary from the time I was in therapy, I realise I am feeling much better about it all. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than it used to be.
>
> I hope that’s of some help. I guess you have to figure out what might work for you.
>
> Tamar
>
>
poster:pinkeye
thread:520625
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/520739.html