Posted by frida on May 28, 2005, at 7:57:21
In reply to Besides it is all just transference anyway., posted by pinkeye on May 27, 2005, at 19:30:43
dear pinkeye,
hi...I feel a lot of pain in your post- and I'm so sorry you didn't get closure from your T.
Reading about how some T relationships end breaks my heart.
So many unsolved issues...and so many things hanging in the air...
I feel that there's a lot of pain in your post that comes from that and I'm so sorry you can't have that closure with your T and that it has made you feel that your relationship with him wasn't 'real' and now you have to protect yourself so much from getting attached or letting people close. It is very painful. I'm sorry you're feeling this way..About the T relationship, after struggling with doubts, insecurities, fears, I'm convinced that it is a real relationship, and that the feelings are two-sided and that they are real. I feel it..
It took me a long long time (years) to trust my T and to be able to believe this. But she has shown me that yes it is real.
She has explained that even though in the T relationship the focus is on me, my feelings, my problems, what comes from me- she is there with me, with her full self and when we share and are together, she is giving all of her and the connection and bond and caring between us is real.
She told me that it is only natural for that to happen-
She has encouraged me to see her as a human being. In the past I idealized her a lot- and that got in the way-- now she wants me to see her as a human being-- and maybe her boundaries have been a bit flexible because of that- I guess each relationship is different..but i'm sharing because I want to extend some hope to you- I am what you would call probably a challenging patient and I have made her feel frustrated thousand times...because I just couldn't talk. I couldn't say a word. I would sit there unable to say a word and fall apart after I left. We went through very difficult months and years...in which she tried every possible way to help me trust and talk..from being caring, gentle, mot her-like, from being pushy, etc. (I entered therapy because of csa but it took me a year to disclose)
Now we've reached a place where I do believe.
I do care about her as a person. What she gives me in the T room is from her heart. I have no doubts about that...
she has disclosed things about her life too, and that has helped me see her more human. I know about her, and I think it is impossible not to see the human side of a T when we share so much and it is such an intense relationship, and they do give of themselves so much-
I love my T, as a therapist, I love her and I want the best for her. From everything she has given me in the years we've worked together, I feel I do know her heart, I know her essence and I feel the soul connection that we have. And I do care about her for real. It's not projection or transference. I do project other feelings from my past- like being afraid of her leaving me, or being afraid of her hurting me, etc. But my love for her is real, and she acknowledges that. And validates it. And she also has said that she does love me back. I feel it in her actions.
I don't feel it's a money issue. I even pay her half of what her other patients pay her because I am in a very tight finantial situation.She has waited for me, when I have had finantial problems. So if it were for the money I really don't think I make a difference to her situation because I pay her less , and sometimes I can't pay her in time and she waits for me.
I guess I've reached a point in which i can't doubt her love and caring anymore. She has shown me in countless ways that I can trust that this is true. She has said it, she has shown herself as a human being -by sharing about her, by sharing her favourite books, movies and music with me, by even offering to help my fish by giving me some containers - saying that she thought it was good for our relationship for me to see her more human and for me to see her that it is real, that I can accept help, that it is ok, by her being patient with me, and calling me when I'm hurting, I feel cared for, and I care about her with all my heart, not because of what she gives me, but because of who she is, everything about her as a human being that shines through whenever we meet.
I love her as a human being. She is a wonderful therapist, but above all, she is a beautiful human being. She has told me a lot of times, that when she's there with me, she gives me all of her, it is part of her life too, and her heart is totally open and it is a rewarding, and moving experience for her too. That life is precious, and that the moment we spend there, is precious to her too and she is fully, fully there. I could go on and say everything I love about her that has nothing to do with her role as a T. Little gestures, details...things that make her special and unique as a human being.I guess I'm sharing all of this, for you to maybe consider that the caring that goes on between T and patient is real, genuine. It's different, and unique but it is not less real.
I'm sorry your T relationship ended in this way and that it left such painful feelings in you - I know how hard it is to let down walls and defenses once you've been badly badly hurt.
Letting someone close is risking so much - and I can see why you wouldn't want to let someone else close- another T, and why it is dangerous or painful to believe that there is real caring going on. But i think it's so sad too to question all the feelings you shared with your T. I wish so much you could get closure with himI hope my post hasn't hurt, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain..and to gently share with you that I do feel the T relationship is real...and that I'm so sorry you're feeling this way- It shouldn't be this way :-(
I'm sorry.sending you support and hope,
Frida
poster:frida
thread:503882
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050528/msgs/504090.html