Posted by Krumcake on May 20, 2005, at 23:46:31
In reply to Re: T didn't help-pls help, need advice » Angela2, posted by Jazzed on May 20, 2005, at 18:14:19
Sounds alot like two long term relationships I've been in....I always seemed to get involved with those loveable potheads ;)
> > everyone sits around and gets high while I'm the ONLY ONE sitting there who's sober and clear headed. It isn't fun. >>
This was me precisely. I put up with this for a couple years after I got out of school... and same as you, I'd find myself sitting around not having any fun and getting angry about it later!
Your therapist is right! OF COURSE you have the right to ask him not to smoke around you. Your time is YOURS...why should you spend it being uncomfortable? Your time with him, isn't just HIS - It's yours together...and like you said - while you're sitting around watching them get high, "it isn't fun". To top things off, in addition to the time you are spending "not having fun" - he's also 'renting space in your head' cuz even when you're not together, you are obsessing about it! You're not being weird by worrying about this - it sounds pretty normal to me! :)
I'm assuming that you DO also spend time with him without his friends...and you do have fun, or you wouldn't still be together. Since you said you really like him, it's important that you let him know how you feel about this. You have EVERY RIGHT to be selective about how you spend your time, doing things that make you feel happy - not anxious!
>>I think ti's good that I'm sticking up for myself. I just don't know if this is how I want to do it.> >
It's awesome that you're sticking up for yourself - you have EVERY RIGHT! But I understand how scary it can be to lay down a request like this and worry about whether it will be respected or rejected. In my experience he is unwilling to live up to this "deal" not to smoke with you around, you have to ask yourself, what other needs of yours in the future might he also not fulfill, kwim?
>> So I was wondering, does anyone experience the kind of thing I do with these obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts?<<
Yes, and unfortunately, I found that (for ME) asking them to stop smoking around me only put a bandaid on the situation temporarily. Even if he DID live up to his end of the "deal" and smoked only when I wasn't around - I found myself obsessing about all the pot he was smoking when we were apart! The problem was really the POT - not my presence.
>>Or has anyone ever dealt with people they don't like because they have a significant other?
Yes, and you can put up with it for awhile, but it doesn't take long before it gets very old. I found myself, not only losing repspect for him - because he was hanging around with such morons, but getting disgusted with MYSELF, because now - so was I.
>>Does anyone know what I could tell him about the way I feel abouto his pot smoking?>>
I know you don't want to freak him out by turning it into a BIG thing, but you don't want to sound wishy-washy about it either. You're not asking for anything unreasonable! Say it in a confident, but casual way...
You could say something like this:
"You know how I feel about you and I love spending time hanging out - but you guys all smoke and sometimes it's just no fun for me. You know? I was hoping that we could do this instead..."See what he says. If he presses you to go, just say, "No, I'm thinkin that if you're going over to (whoever's) house to smoke, I'll just stay back here and go out with my friends from work (or whoever). It WOULD be cool to spend more time with you doing this...(whatever else you like doing)"
Hopefully, he'll show you some respect, and ditch the weed <no pun intended!:)
Best of luck to you. It's never easy, but after five months, I'm sure you pretty much know if he's going to be able to handle this or not. If not, I guess you have to decide if all that smoke is going to put too much of a haze on the rest of your relationship! ...Often it tends to.
-Krumcake
poster:Krumcake
thread:500363
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/500624.html