Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2005, at 15:14:50
In reply to Re: Actually fascinated isn't the word » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 29, 2005, at 16:24:52
I'm pretty sure I know, although at this point it is so symbolic that it needs some work to make it literal. It centers around sexual stuff, but too symbolicly to really pin down.
But... I still don't know why it's so bad to not grow up.
When Daddy was dying, he left me in charge of everything. Not only his estate, but also his medical decisions. So that I, not Mother, had medical power of attorney.
I felt like I needed a grownup, my Daddy, to tell me what to do.
Yet it was me who sat by him and kept up a calm, if one sided, conversation with him and sang him Christmas songs from his favorite station as he lay in that coma, while my mother talked with other people in the other room. It was me who put sugar under his tongue when his sugars dipped because my mother was afraid of hurting him. I was good at it too. I could almost always coax him to swallow. And it was me who gave him the prescribed amount of morphine when he started struggling to breathe, albeit with asking other people to check each step. And it was me who calmed my mother down, because when I left for a while the nurse met me at the door with stories of how my mother would start screaming that my father was dead and the nurse asked me to stick around. But when I was there, I kept her calmer and grounded. It was me who went and got all the documentation we needed from the safe deposit box, and gave the instructions on his wishes for burial. It was me who laid my head on his chest for a good hour after he died, when my mother apparently didn't want to sit with him.
I wasn't a grownup, but I acted like a grownup. Even though inside I was crying for a grownup to come and help.
Is it really so bad to just be a very good little girl?
poster:Dinah
thread:491170
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/492363.html