Posted by fallsfall on April 16, 2005, at 19:18:00
In reply to I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2005, at 18:13:13
(Caution - rambling)
I certainly understand your annoyance at his turning this into something sexual.
My first reaction is that he must see something sexual in your relationship with your father!?! Or why would you putting him in your father's role translate into something sexual?
Now, for me, nothing in the world is every sexual, so I can't imagine what he saw in your relationship with your dad that was sexual. But, I'm not the one to ask because people see sexual things all the time that I miss.
Why did your comment make him think about clients who have sex with their therapists??
"Taking care of" isn't sexual in my book. "Pleasing him" could be more sexual, but there are lots of ways of pleasing someone that aren't sexual. Like getting him a glass of water, or making dinner for him, or being the "perfect" daughter.
I think that some of your reaction to him telling you that it is antitherapeutic for you to take care of him is that I think that you desperately feel that you *need* to take care of him (i.e. that it makes you panic a little thinking that you can't take care of him). Maybe because you are afraid that he won't be able to take care of you if things go badly for him. I think that your drive to take care of him is very strong (in the sense that it is an "old feeling"). Likely from your need to take care of your dad - because that did end up "working" for you. Or did it? Maybe taking care of your dad put the two of you in some kind of equillibrium, but that doesn't mean that it was "good" for either of you. This seems like a good opportunity for you to explore that part of your relationship with your dad. Maybe you will see that other people have a different kind of relationship (but don't ask me what the "healthy" kind would be - I haven't a clue!). Maybe that understanding could help you with some of your other relationships. I don't know. Just a thought.
As for your phone tag. Did you really expect him NOT to call you back?? Of course he called you back. You said that he made you feel icky (in a sexual way). He wasn't going to let that sit over the weekend.
It is therapeutic for you to talk about *wanting* to take care of him. But it is not therapeutic for you to *act* in a way that takes care of him.
I guess I'm a bit confused about when he is talking about "taking care of" and when he is talking about sexual stuff. And I'm also confused about when *you* are talking about taking care of vs. sexual stuff. You tell us frequently that you find out how he is at the beginning of a session so you will know how to act. That seems to be to be "taking care of" him. (And, to be honest, I think that you take care of him more than is helpful for you) But how did the sexual aspect enter all of this???
Sigh. But this isn't the first time that I haven't understood a sexual connection... So my confusion probably has at least as much to do with me as it has to do with you...
Clear as mud, huh?
poster:fallsfall
thread:485216
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050409/msgs/485234.html