Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2005, at 11:18:03
I have two friends, A and B, who I care about very much. An issue has come up between them, and I have been asked for advice on how B should handle this. The more I hear about it the more I am concerned for A. I am looking for advice on how B can act in a way that will be helpful to A.
A and B have been friends for more than 10 years. A is acting in a very immature manner - essentially refusing to be grown up. This has gotten to the point where B mentioned to A that B finds it difficult to spend time with A because of this immaturity. The message was delivered with love. A has stopped speaking to B.
A's family growing up had an extremely controlling father. Adult children stayed at home into their mid 20s. They were not allowed to learn to drive until 18 (16 is the age in the state). Their social lives were severely curtailed by "family plans" (i.e. "family night" when all stayed home and played board games). I recently found out from B that when A was in Middle School she started to rebel a little (mouthing off etc.). ***trigger*** The father's reaction was to threaten (in a convincing way) that he would put her into Foster care.
So, it makes a lot of sense to me that A doesn't want to be grown up. When she tried in Middle School she was threatened with complete abandonment.
I'm afraid that B's comment about the immature behavior might have triggered A. Here is a time when someone important is telling her how she has to behave. The unspoken threat was that if A continued being immature that B would stop spending time with her (sounds like abandonment to me...). Now A is in a position where she can either obey her father (stay young), or keep her friend (grow up).
A's immaturity is pervasive enough that it is not something that B can tolerate, except in very small doses. B cares immensely for A, and wants the friendship to continue. How can she encourage A to change without retraumatizing her? How can B meet her own needs (i.e. spending time with mature people) without threatening abandonment of A?
This gets back to acceptance vs. change (which is probably why it is upsetting *me* so much).
poster:fallsfall
thread:475388
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/475388.html