Posted by Poet on February 28, 2005, at 19:13:52
I called my T and finally admitted to her that I was sexually abused as a child. Something someone said triggered it and it was like I couldn't push the memories back into the dark place they hide within me.
I left my T a message saying that I let demons loose, that I opened that box of pain that she keeps in her office. She called back and didn't seem at all surprised about what I told her.
*I was convinced you were physically abused, I suspected sexual abuse. It makes so much sense about why you are so afraid to let anybody get close to you, why you hide your emotions.*
Until I see her tomorrow, I'm writing down all the memories and this is really making me want to call her and deny the whole thing.
That I made up this story for attention (though that's hardly believable since I have denied it for the two and a half years I've been with my T.)
I wish I had internet access during the daytime, as I could have posted and not called my T. I know that's why I'm in therapy and that finally letting some of this out is positive, but I feel so low and full of self blame.
I'll let her read what I've been writing about what happened to me, if I don't destroy it and cancel the appointment.
I want to rebury this pain and pretend it never happened. T says I can't do that, that it came out for a reason, but I don't want to explore that reason or think about this anymore. I want it to just go away so I can live happily ever after.
Send me back into a time machine and let me start my childhood over. With a different family.
Poet
poster:Poet
thread:464589
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050225/msgs/464589.html