Posted by shrinking violet on February 19, 2005, at 20:12:41
In reply to I can't take anymore, I'm done with therapy, posted by shrinking violet on February 18, 2005, at 11:12:11
Hi everyone,
I thought I'd post what actually happened to prompt my "ending therapy" post, and hopefully get some feedback as to whether I'm overreacting, etc.
Forgive me if this post is a bit scattered....I'm still emotional over it (and somewhat stunned) and it's difficult to put into words.
I brought in my photo album to share with my T on Friday. I think partly I wanted to try to make up for rejecting the flower she bought me, and I thought sharing my photos with her was a nice and personal thing to do. During that, it was fine: I was kneeling next to her and we were talking about the pictures, it was kind of sweet. As soon as we were finished and went back into "therapy" mode, I closed off. I sat on the chair and hugged the pillow and didn't look at her. She of course kept talking and said some things which essentially amounted to her finally admitting our relationship is BS (that's what I heard, anyway, and that is essentially what she said...the words "transference" and "counter-transference" were used by her and she's never used them before, and how our "relationship" allowed us to bring the eating disorder out in the open, and how I have attachment issues, blah blah). She also revealed something very personal about herself which, even though I suspected, I feel weird actually knowing, and it's throwing me all off. For privacy reasons I won't say what the thing is (I doubt she reads this board or anyone knows her, but one never knows for sure). So what she told me triggered some feelings of jealousy and insecurity (rather immature and silly, though, I know, and I AM happy for her regardless). I also feel like she dropped a bomb on me telling me about this thing NOW, after all of this time with her. It confused me and made me feel badly.
And to top it all off she got a new bookcase, but it has to be moved to where her current one is, so in the meantime it's against the wall where the picture I painted her for Christmas is hung, and it's blocking half the picture. Which is dumb, I know it's temporary, but it just feels symbolic and it made me feel kind of bad. I dont know why, it's ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it.
So at the end of session, she off-handedly asked if she would see me next week. I said no. She was surprised, expecting me to say yes, so then she asked me what just happened, what did she say, and she wouldn't let me leave. I said "nothing" and didn't want to get into it all. Then she made a huge deal like she would have to go to the team and inform them of my decision to not go to my appointment, blah blah. So I said yeah ok, fine, Fully intending to just cancel with her later on. I wouldn't let her come over and hug me. I walked out, and I forced myself to go to work on-campus. Then from work (about a half hour after I left her office) I emailed her and asked if she could ask the team if they would allow me to reduce my sessions with her (the less the better, like once a month instead of once a week, or something), and how I need to cancel our session for next Friday, and for her to let me know next week when she found out.
I just feel like I can't do therapy anymore with her, there's no foundation there. It has become too personal, much too personal, and I think that's why I can't open up to her. At least partly. And she hasn't helped me at all, in fact everything just gets worse. I don't think she has the skills to deal with a client like me. And what little I do manage to tell her I feel she always tends to discount it, or call it riduculous, or how I need to be "Zen-like" and not let it bother me. And I feel like all of the "caring," the hugs, the flower, the emails, it was all a ruse to get me to trust her and form an attachment so I could talk to her. That's all it was, none of it was real. That's the essential message I received from session, anyway.
And no, I can't tell her any of this, it wouldn't be worth it anyway. She'd just say I was being stupid or something, and she'd get defensive and I'd feel worse.
I think everyone was right....she messed this up with me, she was too involved, or too inexperienced, or whatever you want to say. I should have ended with her so long ago...
I'm so angry, and I feel so very manipulated and hurt. :-(
So, yeah, that's the latest in my drama.
poster:shrinking violet
thread:459867
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050218/msgs/460568.html