Posted by B2chica on February 13, 2005, at 16:43:06
Second issue:
-Geez!. i wish i could see that other T sooner. i have to wait till March. ok...i know only a month away. it seems like forever. i have so much to tell him.
At least now i know i can only discuss certain things with this one now...like depression, work, and my marriage. none of the real things going on inside.
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can i list them here before i explode? ok folks. here's a side i haven't let out, but i just can't wait for a T anymore. i'm sorry you'll see the freak side of me...well, here goes.-i can't stand eating cuz it seems very unnatural-it feel wrong to me. but i know that i am supposed to cuz everyone does this, people eat.
-i'm totally obsessing on death, what if i do it..how it will just DEEPLY HURT my family/friends, then i obsess on their pain. i go over and over it in my head until my heart aches so much that i start to spiral down for real.
-i have NO inspiration to paint and i feel drawn and useless.
-Really scary movies don't scare me-infact they bore me, i space off. but sometimes i 'freak out' for no reason at all-literally?
-i hate how little i know, and my limitations of knowing and understanding.
-i feel that my disturbance in emotions is due to the fact that i've come to the true realization of the limitation this body has given me.
-i find everything in life routine, simplistic, surface.
-in a strong state i can truly feel time, not 'time pass' but feel as though time has warped and it becomes a tangible thing almost as though you can sit upon it.
-i can babble to myself in jargon for hours at a time, now i'm starting to hear others use it.. like i overheard my husband and his mom on the phone and i SWEAR i heard him use it, and .like on tv...i know i'm imagining it cuz i know these programs are in english besides...the jargon i have is made up and uses models of intonation unlike english, and sounds like in other languages (non-english) so i KNOW i can't really be hearing it. it's not like i'm hearing voices...they just aren't speaking the same language as i am....(can i laugh here?)
-oh yeah so that last one kinda is this... did i mention i'm making my own language. ya, when i get in these 'states' i'm so intense that i HAVE to speak, i need to speak but english won't work so i just start rattling jargon...but last couple times i recognized that i say certain sounds in somewhat systematic way so i started to write them down. it's kinda neat cuz i'm not restricted. one of my words may be a phrase in english....someething you can't quite describe. i've decided its my verbal language of emotion.
i use a wierd script to spell the words but here are a few 'meanings'. if you're interested.
-ready to be hurt
-from the past
-emotions moving from the inside out (quickly, uncontrollably)
-outside stimuli attacking emotions insidei guess i really am a 'babbler' (hehe). oops, don't want to tread on any 'copyrite' issues Dr.Bob.
maybe i'll stick to the word jargon to be on the safe side??ok.
those are the 'bothersome' issues i'm having right now. i can say them here, well cuz you guy are great and i don't expect judgment or you 'trying to figure me out' you just accept me. My current T , i'm sure she's good but i don't think she'd even know how to respond to any of those other than...so why do you think you feel that way...makes me want to say "cr@p, don't you get that it doens't Matter why!" it just 'is'. let it be and help me to learn to live with it, to learn to break out of the cycle. part of me knows the only way to solve this is to no longer see the expansion of possibilities, but i think that would be the death of me. it would be like taking a pill to dull my thoughts, to forget depth in life.
My current (temp) T can't do this. but i know other T can...march, march, march i tell you. i'm being patient (no pun intended).
March 8th.
ok...done, i think. man i feel like i could write forever, must stop, can't stop, will stop. what's a word for expression that is airborne and not verbal?
tell me answers and i'll give you questions!
b2c. (i think the c's beginning to stand for confusion)confusing as h@ll but clear as a bell, make sense? it does. i don't know how but it does.
poster:B2chica
thread:457229
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/457229.html