Posted by pretty_paints on January 27, 2005, at 16:09:13
In reply to Re: Therapist's response to a medical diagnosis? » pretty_paints, posted by Poet on January 26, 2005, at 20:01:18
Hi guys,
Thanks for all your replies,
I'll try to reply to them individually.
Tabitha - Yeh I totally agree. It worries me that Charlotte (my T) won't be able to recognise psychotic symptoms, and that she'll indulge me and make things worse. Yes I agree that if I say went in going "ooh I think I'm a spy", it would not be good for her to go "Hmmm, and why do you think you are a spy today Katie?". I want her to say, "Well, you're not. That's not true". Okay, I'm exagerating but you know what I mean.
Bent - I understand what you mean about diagnoses taking away from your therapy. And I certainly don't think that a "diagnosis" is the answer to everything. However, in my case, I was so ill and there was no real reason for it. I figured there HAD to be an ANSWER, a reason for all of this. I got very very confused and started to come to all sorts of bizarre conclusions about things that must have happened to me in order to cause all this depression. So I was faced with all these horrific thoughts. I could vaguely remember some sort of "could be potentially dodgy" senario with my cousin Todd. Something really small like a time we were wrestling in the bedroom on holiday when we were kids. And from that I deduced that Todd must have raped me. I mentioned this to my Mum and she was supportive of course, but because she didn't JUMP on the idea and say "yeh you're right", I began to think she was in on it too. I thought she knew all about it but was in on it with Todd. They were in collaberation. She was trying to stop me tearing the family apart. So I became very afraid when I was around either Todd or mum.
Aaaaanyway. The point is, I came to lots of wrong, confusing conclusions. And then when I went into hospital, the idea that perhaps I was "psychotic", finally came as a relief. Because a psychotic illness would 1) mean that all of my nasty thoughts were untrue (big relief) and 2) give me an answer to what had caused all these problems.
Anyway you asked about the diagnosis, that's absolutely fine. Um, well like I said I don't have a diagnosis. My thoughts are apparently "bizzare" and "not mood congruent". This is why psychotic depression has been outruled. So the thoughts don't "tie in" with depression. Their tone is not depressive. The diagnosis apparently has been put as "a psychotic illness". I don't know of many different psychotic illness. Schizophrenia has been mentioned. I know there are other things though, like Schizoaffective (though I've never been manic) and some other things I don't know about probably.
Aaaanyway. The other two questions you asked. Well, um. When I was back in school I got some grades which got me into the paper and then into a top uni, so if you like (and I'm totally not trying to be big-headed, I'm just trying to explain) I kind of got "famous" in my school. That was fine. However after I left and started to get ill, I started thinking that EVERYONE must have seen me in the papers, everyone must know who I am, I'm famous!! I thought people were always talking about me and watching me. Then I got obsessed with a guy from my past. I knew he lived nearby so I used to go wandering around the streets for ages looking for him. Then I stopped, but by now I thought he was watching ME. You know what it's like when you fancy someone and try to impress them? So whatever I did, whatever I said, what clothes I wore, what degree I eventually chose to do, basically the whole way I lived for the next three years, was all done for HIM coz I was convinced he was following and watching me, so I had to impress him. When I got to Uni I thought I was in a special room with cameras in, I was living actually IN the college alongside tutors etc, and I was convinced every teacher was watching me constantly. I could never relax, I drank lots, couldn't study, TOTALLY couldn't concentrate, didn't bother to go to lectures (also, I had chosen completely the wrong degree to impress *him* so I wasn't enjoying it at all). I wanted to go home all the time, it's the only place I felt safe. I also heard a voice, but I knew it was my voice in my head, just commenting on my thoughts and feelings, like I was on tv talking to the viewers. Anyway there's lots of other blah but I can't really remember much, so is that ok? This was the sort of stuff I didn't tell the doctor coz I thought it was all true, plus I was too depressed. When I was depressed, I suppose my psychotic thoughts at the time WERE mood congruent. As I got more depressed, I began to think I was evil and that I should be dead (these are mood congruent thoughts). I thought I was dieing and that it was my fate. ANYWAY, with two AD's, I began to get a lot less depressed. Now, I'm not great, but I don't think I'm that depressed anymore. I think that's why psych depression was ruled out, because with that, as the depression dissapeared so should the psychosis. But mine has remained even after the depression has gone (well not now, as I'm on AP's, but you know what I mean).
Anyway, sorry if I've bored you to tears! There are a few tasters of the way things went. How so did this hit home for you? Have you had similar experiences?
Mark H - Thanks a lot for your post. It really worried me though. I worry that maybe that's the case for me? I don't think so though. My T isn't always fishing for juicy details from my past and making me relive them. In fact recently we are doing a lot of "reality testing", talking about whether certain things I believe are really true or not. That's helpful. But yeh, I'm aware of what you say. It's what's always worried me really - whether all of this is down to meds or therapy. Hmm.
Poet - Yeh I know there's more to a person than their diagnosis. It's just in my case, a diagnosis really helps me try to work out in my head what has happened to me this last year. I've constantly been trying to work out what has caused all this/what went wrong, so a diagnosis helps me to try to straighten things out. Yes I have mentioned all this to my T. We chat about it quite a lot, recently it's all we seem to talk about!! Obviously she says she supports me blah blah, but she DOESN'T think that meds are the answer to everything. She thinks they HELP facilitate therapy, but they are not the ANSWER. Whereas in my case, I'm starting to wonder whether (if I have a psychotic disorder), meds ARE in fact the answer.
Thanks a lot to all of you for replying!!
Lots of love xxxxxxxxxx
poster:pretty_paints
thread:447985
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050122/msgs/448761.html