Posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 20:27:28
I've had so many bouts of crying today and I'm not quite sure I understand why. Got a brief email from old T. today, I replied, and he didn't reply to that. So I suppose that's what set me off. Makes no sense, today's exchange was no different than any other, on the surface. The minute I think I've wiped the last tear (at least for a few hours..for goodness sake!) something sets me off again a few minutes later, thinking about how I can't stand the thought of losing touch with him. (I'll use T1 for him)
I owe many of you an update (crushed and aphrodite come to mind - please forgive me if I never answered you directly a couple weeks back)on my slow, complete-the-termination-by-email situation with T1. I'll try to post that later tonight. Right now, guess I just want to vent and complain that I am so sick of all these tears!!!
I mean, the man left 6 months ago, and I weep like it was yesterday. It's been suggested this is a long grieving process - a little about T1 but mostly about unresolved painful losses in my past. Probably so. I have a new T. (T2) and if we ever attach enough (should I want that or be terrified of it?!)I think that grieving, and whatever this well of sadness is about will be *the* one and only topic. I can feel it bubbling to the surface all the time.
But, you see, when it does, I ache for T1. This work was supposed to be done with him. We built up such an awesome rapport - for what? So he could leave? No offense to T2, he's nice. But he means nothing to me. And I'm so scared T1 is beginning to resent me, though there is zero evidence of that. I sob when I imagine what he *really* thinks of me but would never, ever say.
I wonder how our bodies can produce so many gallons of tears. The skin on my face is all dried out from the salt and tissues. I feel silly and confused. Like I have nothing to cry about. People have had multiple deaths, with more stuff on top of that. I've had the most compassionate termination experience I can imagine. So - what is all this agony?! I read all your threads and think I should get a grip. But that advice never works.
Sorry this is making little sense. I feel loss #2 (first=physical leaving; 2nd=loss of email contact) of T1 is at hand, I think. He's gently backing off as he must and I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT! I have not missed him this badly for months. These tears are the kind that make you feel physically ill.
Thanks for listening to such a &*^*^& thread. Tonight I felt like if Babble wasn't here I would have totally lost it. Little bit calmer now.
- 10derheart (feeling quite brokenhearted :( )
poster:10derheart
thread:435219
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/435219.html