Posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 20:30:17
Ugh,
Today in therapy I talked about how good I felt last week, but that I was concerned it was directly related to positive feedback. I didn't want to feel shackled to external "sources" of happiness. So, I'm shackled at the moment.But in this session, I never felt more self-conscious than I did today. I felt like I was totally not able to make sense...like I was just rambling along. I wound up cursing depression and feeling lost and adrift...at the whims of whatever prevailing winds might be blowing.
My T did not "rescue me". He really said much less this time for most of the session than usual. Ugh, it felt so lost and unconnected. I really really hated that feeling. So, how can I be shackled and adrift at the same time? Did I make a move, perhaps unconsciously, to cut the shackles, and then freaked myself out by noticing the anchor was let loose?
Ugh, it was very confusing. Not unproductive. We also talked about one of the rich dreams I've had lately (bless the reduction of Nardil and subsequent REM rebound).
And the very end, my T, bless his soul, did something very cute, revealing, and lovable. I said something wondering about how our clients might "prime" us for whatever issues of our own might be "hot" at the moment...(I was thinking of a session with a client the day before who had a tremendous amount of anger. Anger was one of the things my T and I dealt with today.) Anyway, I said, "Who knows how this all works?" He was booting up his computer to schedule our next session, and he said with a slightly sly grin, "I know...but I'm not telling."
It was just so cute!
Aaaaagh! Therapy is hard.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:426414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041203/msgs/426414.html