Posted by sunny10 on November 18, 2004, at 9:01:39
In reply to Re: Depression and Genetics » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 1:51:28
It's all a vicious cycle, Susan. I always try to put a strong, positive response out here- to try to help other people.
Maybe mostly because I feel so guilty that everyone around me has to deal with the "me" I turned out to be. I am desperate to "become" something/someone better.
My interpersonal skills are lacking- mostly because I never experienced anything "interpersonal" at all with my single/divorced mother of three children. My stepfather married her when I was nine ( I'm the youngest). He beat me whenever I had the temerity to "debate"- I have always enjoyed playing devil's advocate just for the sake of continuing a conversation. I guess it was the "looking for attention" side of growing up with an emotionally uninvolved mother. Now there was a "Dad" for the first time in my life; and he beat me whenever I opened my mouth to express myself. I learned to fear confrontation and fear being me- complete with opinions. Opinions get you beaten.
The rest has been textbook "looking to repeat the experience, but win this time- MAKE them love me" situation.
But during me trying to be loved, my poor son was born into all of this. And I feel guilty over him, I feel guilty that I cannot "love or leave" my elderly father, emotionally. I feel guilty that it is now my very kind SO that has to deal with my guilts and preconceived reactions to "interpersonal relationships"- which always paints him as the "bad guy" at the time. I make sure that I discuss with him afterwards what was going through my mind, and that I LOGICALLY know that he was not trying to hurt me- but he has to suffer through the moment that these reactions occur and the moment that I feel "safe" enough to discuss them... He is, thankfully, a fast learner and is getting better at not taking my reactions personally, but I still feel guilty for having them.
What to do? How to "change" ? And the age old question, "can a leopard change its spots?" at all?
So, there was just a bit of the story... but it is the beginning... the rest are just "not exact" replicas of that, with each relationship worse than the one before as different types of abuse started entering the picture.
I don't want to be "me".
That's why I can't find the right therapist, truth be told. They all want me to "cope with" being me. I don't even want to BE me.
-suuny10
poster:sunny10
thread:416527
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041113/msgs/417376.html