Posted by fallsfall on October 24, 2004, at 15:05:47
In reply to Re: Leaving is so hard to do!, posted by gardenergirl on October 24, 2004, at 14:32:02
Leaving *is* so hard to do.
I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I have wanted to leave a session early (in 10 years of therapy...). He will say "We have to stop now" sometimes adding "but we can talk about this again next time" or even "I think we should talk about this again". When I have my act together (2% of the time?), it is fine - he has just finished his summary interpretation, and I feel like we accomplished something, that I understand things a little better. I get up, hand him his check, say thank you and walk out the door.
The other 97 1/2% of the time he says it is time to stop and I sit there trying to decide if there is anything else that I need to say before I leave. Or if there is something I can ask that will make the days between appointments easier. Or if there is something I need him to say. Occasionally I do find a parting comment or question, but usually it is more like I have to pull myself together so that I can get out the door.
There are days when I sit there waiting and hoping that he'll say a particular thing. That he'll read my mind and know what I need. That he'll suddenly change his mind from what he has been saying all session and come around to *my* way of thinking. That he'll feel bad about how he's been acting, or feel sorry for me, or that he'll say something sweet and comforting. I know that I have to get up, but I need more from him.
Sometimes I sit a long time (3 - 5 minutes), crying. He usually just sits in silence watching me. Some days he's in a hurry and he'll say "we really have to stop now" - sometimes more than once... Sometimes I think I am trying to punish him by not leaving - sort of "I'm going to stay here until you make me feel better". Sometimes I don't want to get up because I'll have to walk down the short hallway to the bathroom before I can lock myself in and not have to let people see me crying (there is never anyone in the hallway...). Sometimes I think that if I get up that I will just collapse under the weight of everything.
When I'm mad at him I don't say "Thank you" or "Good bye". Once I slammed the door (I will *NEVER* do that again, boy did he have a fit). I often don't look at him when I leave.
I write him a check while I'm waiting before the session and put it sticking out of the back pocket of my pocket book, so the check is easy to get to so I can hand it to him. When I have a check from the insurance company too, I tell him "It's payday!" He gives me a bill/receipt on Fridays (he used to give me one every day, but I think he got tired of writing them out, I see him 3X a week). Sometimes I have run out of checks and forgot to put more in my pocketbook, so at the beginning of the session I tell him I don't have a check for him - he never has a problem with that, and I always pay the next time. The last time I ran out of checks I complained that I write a lot of checks "and it is all your fault!". He said I could pay once a week instead of every session. But I was quick to answer that for some reason I like paying him every session. It gives me a good record of when I see him (and since I often can't remember what happened earlier in the week, this is the only way to keep such a record). But it also gives me a chance every session to remember that there is a balance in the relationship - he gives me his time, I give him my money. And, I think most importantly, it gives me a chance to almost touch him - like "connection" flows through the paper from my fingers to his. Sounds pretty strange...
There have been days when I've wanted to throw the check at him. I think that there may have been one day when I put it on the stool between our chairs instead of handing it to him. I think that usually, though, it is more a message of "I pay you on time, and never make you have to come after me for money" (though occasionally when the insurance company is slow he'll ask me to call them). In return, I expect him to be reliably there for my sessions. I don't want to give him any reason to leave me.
poster:fallsfall
thread:406539
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/406674.html