Posted by mair on October 21, 2004, at 14:46:35
In reply to I feel differently about this..., posted by antigua on October 21, 2004, at 9:03:41
Some time ago, there was a thread about whether any of us had ever made our Ts cry. I can't say that I have, but I really thought she was very close to it once over the issue you raise. (I'm pretty sure there was a decided catch to her voice).
We were talking about how much I was obsessing about suicide. When I think about suicide I don't so much formulate plans as I do visualize different parts of my plan. When I say I obsess about suicide it usually just means I can't stop an intrusive process where I'm constantly picturing different aspects of my plan, or imagining what might happen afterwards.
I told her that to the extent that I thought about her, I didn't imagine at all that my suicide would have any effect on her - that her reaction would be sort of a "win some lose some" response before she went on to the next patient. I don't know why I told her this - I don't remember it being in response to a question, and I really don't think I was trying to hurt her. She was pretty nonreactive because she tries to remain impassive about things all the time (sometimes to an aggravating extent), but when she spoke, I heard a catch in her voice like she was struggling to stay composed. Later on I realized a little more objectively that what I said was pretty awful, although entirely truthful, and I felt bad for having hurt her. I also remember thinking it strange that she should care more than me about whether or not I killed myself.
It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I think about the negative impact my suicide would have on her. I take it to be a piece of evidence that I care about her even though I like to tell myself that she means nothing to me and I mean nothing to her.
And when I am really feeling suicidal, it is annoying to have to work out her piece of this - it's been hard enough for me to ever convince myself that my suicide won't have an awful effect on my family, so factoring in my T just seems like another impediment. Of course, the negative view is that she's an impediment; the more positive one is that she's become a safety valve.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:405284
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/405535.html