Posted by Dinah on August 3, 2004, at 10:43:28
If nothing important happened in my therapist's life between now and our last session, he's going to want to talk about whether I was upset with him, because I left about five minutes before the session ended and I think he thought I was mad at him. I wasn't really, I just didn't have any more to say. But I didn't have any more to say because I was a bit stymied about what *to* say.
My father is facing a health crisis. We won't know how serious it is until after his surgery, but there's a possibility that he has pancreatic cancer, in which case his life expectancy isn't too great. The other possibility is that it's just his chronic pancreatitis, in which case his life expectancy wouldn't change a lot from what it is now. Either way, he's in poor health.
I was trying to express my really complex feelings. My father hasn't been well or happy for years, yet he fears dying. My father both scared me silly with his black moods and made me feel really very safe, because he always protected me to the best of his ability. We have an odd symbiotic relationship where we both manage to take care of each other. With the help of my therapist, I've backed away from the entangled relationships with both my parents to a large extent, but the subtext is still there. My father has been scathing to the point of cruel with my mother and brother, yet has never been more than a critical of me, and often in a teasing style that doesn't bother me. I *love* being a daughter. I'm terrified of losing my daddy. I think my therapist does understand that relationship.
My therapist answered with a lot of psychobabble drivel that sounded good but didn't address my own feelings or experiences at all. To me they were just pretty words. He's really fond of Stuart Smalley type psychobabble and always has been. I think it suits him well in his second job as a corporate motivational type person. But, for example, last session he said that feeling horrible when someone dies is a good thing because it's a mark of how much they meant to you and how much you cared for them. Pretty words, but without any real resonance for me.
The problem is that he used them in the context of his own grief when his mother died last year. I usually like that therapeutic approach, using his personal experiences so that what he is telling me doesn't sound so much like a lecture and is in context so that I understand it better. But in this particular instance, it is a problem for me. Now I *know* that nothing I say will shake his own beliefs, and that I don't have that great an effect on him personally. But still, it sounds terribly rude to tell him that a way of thinking that helps him with his own grief is hogwash to me. I tried to gently suggest that it wasn't really as comforting an idea for me as it might be for many, but I'm not at my most articulate in session, and I didn't manage to convey the message properly I don't think.
So I finally withdrew emotionally, and I really just don't want to talk about my feelings regarding my father's health with him anymore because I just don't see how it will be productive. Yet feelings about my father's health are dominating my emotional life right now, if only to drive me to super rationality and lots of work productivity. Hmmm... Maybe it's better if I keep running from those feelings. :)
Now I really don't even want to go to session. If he doesn't bring it up, I don't suppose I will either. And since there was a weekend between our sessions, there's less of a chance that he'll bring it up than if it was the Tues-Fri break.
It just makes me feel sort of alone. Although I must say, my husband has really stepped up to the plate here. He's seen my relationship with my father in action, and has a really good understanding of the ambivalent but strongly loving feelings I have towards him. He's doing a great job of mixing humor and compassion to help me out.
poster:Dinah
thread:373572
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/373572.html