Posted by starlight on August 2, 2004, at 17:20:29
In reply to Real time relationships, posted by LG04 on August 2, 2004, at 15:13:06
I think it can be very gratifying for you when you set the boundaries and the parameters of your relationship with your mother.
Only return her calls if you want to, only see her when you want to, only talk to her if she treats you well. It's very empowering and will show her that this relationship is going to exist on your terms. Release any expectations of how you think she will or should respond and just see how it goes.
My father was very abusive and my mother turned the other cheek when it happened and I was always terrified of my father - even into my early twenties. One Christmas Eve, with a table full of guests including my husband (then boyfriend) he launched into me like I was 5 years old, almost made me piss my pants (like he used to!).
It was awful, totally embarassing, scary - brought up all those emotions that I had as a child all over again. We were out of there - my husband said he wanted to hit him and that he wasn't going to stay in our house a minute longer. I went with him. We stayed in a hotel. The next morning my mother called us and asked us if we were coming over to open presents and since he was still there, it was a resounding no. Well, I needed to go back to pick up our clothes and when I came back to the house, he confronted me again and this time I fought back. I screamed at him and told him how much I hated him for being such a violent and mean person - people down the street could hear him screaming, but I stood my ground.
Then to top it off, I cut him off completely for six months. Refused to have any contact with him at all, he was dead to me. And man, he came crawling back. He knows better than to test me anymore cause I'm not afraid and would be perfectly fine to cut him out of my life entirely and that scares him. It's great for me though, because finally - after all these years, I'm in control of this relationship and it makes a big difference.
Good luck,
starlight
poster:starlight
thread:371586
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/373278.html