Posted by vwoolf on August 2, 2004, at 13:48:26
In reply to Re: Sharing insight, posted by LG04 on August 1, 2004, at 13:40:57
Thanks LG for your kindness and encouragement. I am glad that my experience touched some cords for you and validated your feelings. I must be honest, while I was writing I thought of you, Susan and Racer, as well as others whose names I don't remember, because all of you seem to be going through difficulties that have a lot in common with mine. It helps me to know that in some way what I am going through can be a shared experience. This is such a lonely place to be otherwise.
I am still holding to my commitment to my therapist, but I have wept bitter tears most days, and dreamed of death and bereavement most nights. My posts to Babble were very triumphant – the reality has been less so. Yet in some strange way I feel as if I have moved forward. I have started to feel grief (as in uncontrollable sobbing grief) over my mother’s neglect, as well as anger towards her. It is quite difficult to manage my anger, as I still see her every day.
I have started thinking about my own death as well, and mourning the time and opportunities I have wasted living through other people’s needs . This is very hard, as the time and opportunities will never come back. I am older than most people on this board (I think), and I feel as if I don’t have very much time to actually live a life that is truly my own. I am still trying to work out what that means, but I think it would be making my own decisions and choices and having the courage to stay with them and carry through with them as long as they make sense to me. Sort of like the decision over my therapist. And having the courage to abandon them when they are wrong.
What would you do differently if you could live your life over again? I would become a doctor, I know. I would write and publish stories, and maybe play the saxophone. I would sculpt in wood – I already do, but I would spend much more time doing so. Perhaps there is still time to achieve some of these.
poster:vwoolf
thread:371586
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/373204.html