Posted by JenStar on July 14, 2004, at 4:05:45
In reply to Transference pain never ends, posted by crushedout on July 13, 2004, at 21:19:15
hey Crushed Out,
I'm sort of new to these boards (I've started posting to the Lexapro area since I'm sharing stories & advice about that drug with others.)Your story struck me. I'm sorry you're suffering.
After some reflection, it seems to me that therapy is a double-edged sword. After picking a therapist whom you like and to whom you relate, you share deeply personal stories and receive top-notch advice from someone who appears to genuinely care about your progress.
On the other hand, this person is forever separated by an invisible boundary that cuts you off from true 'friendship' or love with him/her. The human heart & soul are conditioned to latch onto people with whom we share such a connection, but the therapist is kind of like Teflon -- you can't fully attach as a friend.
It's a tantalizing and frustrating situation. Here is this person to whom you open your soul week after week, something that is normally done only to a best friend or lover. This person knows you intimately, in a sense (mentally!) -- that higher level for which we all long. Beauty is only skin deep, they say. Find that person who can see the 'real you', the beauty inside! Well, here's that person -- they've taken the time to see the real you.
Yet there is still that glass barrier, that line he/she isn't interested in crossing (and can't -- professional oath) because to them, you're still The Patient, not The Friend.
It's so normal to feel conflicted feelings for the therapist. It's usually kind, sensitive caring people who go into therapy as a career.
I guess my advice is: You have to find someone new to be the recipient of your affections. No matter how wonderful this person is, you can't have her. Do you even know her? She knows YOU...but she isn't an equal partner in the sharing & talking. You may want more, but unfortunately you can't have it. It sucks, but that's the way life is.
Again, I'm truly sorry you're suffering. I've had unrequited crushes in the past and I know how painful and sad they can be.
What did she say when you talked about the crush? What was her response? Is it possible you're dating the male therapist as a way to try and get from him what you can't get from her?
Good luck.
JenStar
>
> Hi all,
>
> I know I kind of disappeared as of late. I met a man (who happens to be a therapist of all things) and we started dating, which is very odd for me since I'm a lesbian. But that's been keeping me busy and also providing me with an important emotional outlet.
>
> I talked to my T today again about being in love with her. This time maybe more explicitly than ever before. It was good in that I didn't think I'd be able to talk about it and I did, but it was painful. I dissociated so as not to feel too much in front of her, but I was also able to stay present in a way. When I came home, I just wanted to sleep forever. I tried to take a nap but the guy I've been dating called and then I just started crying and when I hung up with him, I cried really, really hard.
>
> I'm so tired of this. I just can't accept that I never get to be her lover. Why is this going on so long? I didn't think it was supposed to go on and on like this. I really am so confused. It's so hard.
>
> I don't know what else to say.
>
>
poster:JenStar
thread:365838
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040703/msgs/365924.html