Posted by ghost on May 31, 2004, at 0:02:26
In reply to Does anyone feel this way?, posted by Pandabear on May 30, 2004, at 23:40:42
A lot of times I'm not "suicidal" but I think that it would be nice to have an "accident" where I was somehow incapacitated for a long time (or permanently)... I think these thoughts are just as destructive as suicidal ones.
I always hide how I'm feeling... No one really knows what's in my head... my parents were shocked to find out I'd hospitalized myself (they were overall supportive, but shocked nonetheless) because they'd had no idea what was going on in my head. Even now, I'm not sure they get it, but they do accept it. I don't talk to too many people IRL, especially about bipolar and BPD and schitzo stuff, because it just scares them away when I tell them about my problems. Or I'm afraid it will. So I just suffer in silence. Sometimes I think that's best, but it probably isn't. One of my friends once told me that being mentally ill was 100x worse than being physically ill or disabled because you can be standing next to someone with an illness or disabilty and see that they have a problem and empathise... but you can stand next to someone mentally ill and never be able to see the turmoil and troubles they have deep inside.
I went to a no-kill shelter last year and got a pet rat. It was nice to have him around for awhile to love and care for him, but once I started to go downhill, I started neglecting him, and that was very unfair to him. Last week I brought him back to the shelter and said I was losing my job (true) and would be homeless soon (somewhat true), so I couldn't keep him (not really true). But it wasn't fair to keep him any more when his owner couldn't care for him like he deserved. I barely remember to feed my bettas.
Anyhow, I guess I'm just trying to say that I think I understand. Things do improve, because I've been there, and I've survived it. Just hang on. And keep writing out your thoughts. Sometimes it helps to organize them when they're in neatly readable format.
ghost
poster:ghost
thread:352270
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040522/msgs/352273.html