Posted by Racer on May 10, 2004, at 19:27:02
In reply to Re: I cancelled therapy tomorrow, posted by crushedout on May 10, 2004, at 18:46:52
Disclaimer: I'm in such bad shape right now that I can't remember anything much for more than about six and one half seconds, so I don't remember your story overall. I'm sorry about that, and if I take the time now to read back over your most recent posts, I won't have the energy left to post to you.
Here's my most recent story, about myself, that relates to what I think you're going through over this:
I'm thinking about quitting therapy. The agency that provides services to me has not helped me in the time they've been providing services -- since September 2003 -- and some of what's gone on has actively harmed me. OK, let's not be so nice about it: overall, my confidence in their ability is destroyed pretty totally, my confidence in myself ever managing to dig and crawl and scrape myself out of this hell is almost gone. Not a pretty picture.
The other side is practical: my husband was laid off two years ago and we're in debt up to our eyeballs and I can't see committing to any additional expense at this point, for fear that we'll end up falling even further down into this nightmare. Otherwise, there is a fairly low cost alternative for therapy only -- $60 per week more than we pay now -- BUT they will only see me if I'm stabilized on medications, and they don't provide any assistance with that. So, I've stuck it out so far. I don't know that I can continue to do so much longer, especially with the latest experiences.
Anyway, I was thinking about what made it so hard for me to quit. Wanna know real crazy? I can't make up my mind to quit with this agency because it would feel as if *I* had failed. I wouldn't think to myself that THEY failed ME, but that I was the cause of the failure. The only way I can "win" in this situation is to get what they promised me from them. How totally nuts is that?
When I thought about how it would feel to 'fire' this agency, I thought of all the good, strong things it would mean for me. You know, that I took an active step to make my life better. That I actively made a move to get the help I needed. That I didn't allow someone specific to keep hurting me, just because they said it shouldn't hurt. Those are all good things, right? But I also recognized that little voice saying, "but, it would mean that WE failed... WE gave up..."
Would you say it's anything like that going on with you? If so, I'm proud of you. That little voice saying it's a failure is not giving you the best advice it could. It's what I call The Beast. It always sounds so rational, so fundamentally right. But it's really The Beast of depression, it's like a living being, a succubus living off of my strength -- and it wants to survive, at all costs to me! After all, it's only a parasite. It can leave and live off of someone else if I die, right? So, living with The Beast is not a symbiosis. It's a parasite, and it does not have your best interests at heart. So, tell it you know who it really is, and that this time you're going to listen to your Symbiot instead.
Good for you, assuming I'm right and you did have some really valid reasons for not continuing with this therapist.
poster:Racer
thread:345517
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/345530.html