Posted by tinydancer on May 3, 2004, at 9:36:11
In reply to tinydancer, can you talk more...., posted by crushedout on May 2, 2004, at 15:07:54
Really tough appointment today, but I left feeling very satisfied with the outcome, even though we dealt with some very hard things.
We talked a lot about my avoidance tactics-the way that I often speed up when I'm talking to my T, and that he feels locked out and unable to contribute. I know a lot of people feel that way when they are around me, and it was hard to hear him tell me this because what he says is important to me and it is hard when you feel behaviors are so ingrained and unconscious that you feel they are out of your control. We also talked about my need for sympathy and nurturing from others, which I never get because no one seems to think I need it. He pointed out some reasons why others might think that and it was really hard to take. I'm one of those people that cannot take criticism, much less the kind about my own personality so it was very hard. I wanted to leave but I'm not a "leaver" so I stuck it out. The other fact he pointed out was that I'm sometimes ultra-analytical, to the point of trying TOO hard so that people who are listening often think, "Well, she's got it all figured out" and don't feel too sorry for me.
Basically we were able to delve into some of these needs and look at why they were there and what we could do about it. I cried, which I think I've done a total of 3 times in my almost year with him, but I also think of that as important, because it creates a new level of honest communication.
I went back the the topic of touch and we talked about what my experiences were growing up. I don't remember sitting in the lap of my mom or my dad, ever. Even though I would assume that I did, at least with my mother. I don't remember any loving touch from my father whatsoever. My mother I think tried but I began to reject touch early on after my abuse I think. He wanted to try to get a grip on who my mom and dad were then. I told him about what I had thought about-the fantasy where I'm sitting on the couch, except that suddenly I didn't like his wife included so I left that out. Haha! We talked a lot about touching and what it means. I used an example of my art therapist teacher. I had an IBS attack while at class and was coming in and out. Finally I walked by her and she stroked my arm in a very gentle way. I was wearing a t-shirt so it was skin to skin contact. I was amazed that not only did I not cringe, I felt very nurtured. That showed me how conflicted I was-that while I crave touch and intimacy, I am very afraid of it-afraid of the unknown of what might happen to me, what the other person might do. It also showed me how much touch actually means in the concrete sense, that I place enormous importance on it, which sort of proves my T's point about caution when dealing with it. My T in the end said that he feels it could be a good thing for my younger alter to be sitting in his lap but doesn't really know about me. (I know that might be hard for people who don't have DID to understand. If you want me to explain how he can hold an alter but not me, I can explain.) Which I understand, I mean, I'm not really sure if that would be the greatest idea anyway because I would probably want it all the time then and lose focus. I talked about how one thing I would love is if I could sit close to him with his arm around me, sort of protecting me, and supportive of me. He said he could maybe even go along with that. Although no dates were set, haha!
One funny thing that happened was he said,"Before you leave, I want to ask you...." suddenly he's trailing off. I picked up and said, "You want to ask me to dinner tonight? Yes absolutely!" Heehee. Always good to laugh a little.
I left feeling redeemed, both in his eyes and my own self. It can be an amazing rollercoaster ride some appointments, but today I felt like I understood him on a different level, which helped me to process a lot of what was said, instead of saying, I'm going to go home and self injure or something, I'm able to process it in a different way. I guess that is positive. I'm struggling still because it was, well, abrasive, but I feel that he managed to still let me know that he does LIKE me and not HATE me, which is often very difficult to overcome if I feel that I've been a disappointment that day in therapy or something.
I will post more later if I think of anything, it was a 2 hour appointment so there is a lot of material there, and I need some time to think about it all. Let me know what you think, crushed!
poster:tinydancer
thread:342514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/342773.html