Posted by spoc on April 23, 2004, at 15:16:47
In reply to Re: Ts: Field choice *always* = caring? (from logic) » spoc, posted by lonelygirl on April 23, 2004, at 13:43:56
Thanks Lonelygirl, more very good points and I know from "reading you" that you try to look at things from all sides and are also not a knee-jerk idealist. I respect that in people!
It's got to be true that a lot of what I've said comes from the perspective of the huge, undispersed cost to me of entering any therapy, as stated previously. And also from my inexperience with getting a diverse taste of it. I was unfortunate to have happened upon a bad match when I was finally, finally ready to commit to it, and that person turned out to be someone who really did not exhibit any of the signs of "working for it" and trying, and definitely not of optionally applying himself after hours to think of ways to help.
It turned into (admitted) psychoanalysis even though that is the opposite of what I said before I even scheduled the first appointment that I was "shopping" for (and not to knock analysis in general, but his wasn't effective for me, nor what I asked for). He truly said virtually nothing ever (except a few words a couple times that showed obvious trips down groundless worst-case-scenario dx roads); wouldn't even react to or give feedback on my own ideas on how I might improve my lot; deflected everything into standard circles so that he really could have been on autopilot and never listening or thinking at all ("what do YOU think it means" and what did it say about me that I wondered, etc.). I often had to recap things for him too. By his own admission he wasn't even good at recalling the wording or exact details of conversations from one session to the next (but also wouldn't answer me in the moment if I questioned something).
He could not answer me when I finally asked very sincerely for him to cite one positive or actionable comment/suggestion he had made or anything at all that he had shown which I could interpret as an attempt to help me or demonstrate effort. He kept saying when I absolutely pinned him on this that he would "have to think about it and answer next time," and ludicrously even that went on for weeks.
I can't stand to ever come out and place blame, but I was on the brink of giving up on myself when I started and had become virtually housebound for over a year, and he knew that. This brush with therapy has left me truly out of faith in myself because he framed it all as only my problem and showed concern for nothing. So I took it as somehow the opinion of Educated Mental Health Professionals Everywhere that I am not someone to be cared or concerned about; or that I either can't be helped or should be able to get off my lethargic, depressed *** (thing Dr. Bob doesn't like to hear) and do it myself. Like if he with his credentials had nothing to say or suggest, nobody must. I don't even think he believed I was/am in pain.
BUT -- many years ago I saw a psychology resident for over a year at her school's sliding-scale clinic, and indeed she was the involved type who clearly expended the efforts and emotions many of you are referring to. From that I see your points and probably wouldn't have gone down the road of questioning her true motives even at private-practice prices. But unfortunately, that ended traumatically too...
At one point she agreed knowingly to also see a friend of mine, which I had always heard that most Ts won't do, for good reason. She found out that this friend and I regularly discussed our respective therapies with her. And in her words before she hung up on me (we had a scheduling matter to discuss) she became "LIVID!!!!" (What else could a realistic T possibly expect -- and my friend and I were both pretty young.) So, as I was the one who admitted it to her, she chose to banish me. And keep seeing my friend, who had begun with her only a few weeks before.
I tend to see everything about that situation, from agreeing to see a close friend to how she ultimately handled the problem she had created, as due to her inexperience at that point. But we had previously *really* connected and she made it clear that she enjoyed me as far as this stuff goes. So if only she knew that to this day it would mean a lot if she'd realize how upsetting that hostile rejection was for me, and need to call me to make it right, rather than brush it off to a "necessary evil" of cutting one's teeth! Surely she must have realized the error in all that at some point. It took me a loooong time to try again.
Quickly, might I throw in that other experiences have included being groped by a family therapist as a child; having a semi-retired high school therapist begin giving strange advice (including that I be allowed to drop out of high school and smoke and drink), then go senile, give in to alcoholism and make crank phone calls to my family once they yanked me out; and a brand new T who one day wasn't in her office when I came for an appointment, and who never returned messages left during the appointment and after to try to find out what happened (I did track her down later and she said it was her problem, and that she is sorry but that's all she can say).
WHEW, sorry, thanks for reading, I know how it can look when pasted to Word! I hope very much to get control of this someday, as otherwise I do think I have some worthwhile things to say and I frustrate the living daylights out of myself. If it's a passionate issue, it's either put a cork in it or let it explode! (But please don't see my name and think *all* of my posts are this long -- they're really not! ANYWAY! I know I have justified nothing here as far as whether it's worth it for me to try again, and know that for the sake of fairness as well as myself, I shouldn't give up on finding a match (or so sez my lip service)! ;- )
poster:spoc
thread:339137
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339221.html