Posted by fallsfall on March 27, 2004, at 7:33:33
In reply to Re: admiting to stalking u T, posted by lonelygirl on March 27, 2004, at 4:52:47
Lonelygirl,
I really can understand how tempting it would be to stand outside his class and hear his voice.
I have had the experience of violating my therapist's boundaries (well, she felt they were violated, honestly I didn't do anything wrong, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that SHE felt that her boundaries had been violated). It may have been the worst experience of my life. She was mad, she was disappointed, she put a wall up to protect herself (and usually she was SO open). I had worked so hard to be the perfect patient, to please her, to make her proud. Having her angry at me was absolutely excruciatingly devistating - and then she pasted a smile on her face and lied to me that she wasn't angry, that she wasn't happy with what I had done, but she "understood". She wanted to think about it for a week, and when I came the next time we would talk about whether we could continue therapy. That was a hell week. She decided that we could coninue. But I was still feeling like she was mad at me. Three weeks later she did admit that she had been angry.
Some of this was transference, but some of it was not. This friction between us is what forced me to find a new therapist. The agony was incredible. It still is. I left her 8 months ago.
Please, please understand that your relationship has boundaries, and that they are there both for your therapist and for you. You can do all sorts of awful things, and tell your therapist about them and your therapist will look concerned and nod and help you. But when you violate their boundaries, it becomes personal to them and they (at least my therapist did) lose their professional perspective. I felt that I hurt her as a person very deeply - that I hadn't respected or honored her. That was a terrible feeling.
BUT - If your therapist is a professor, wouldn't his picture be in a yearbook? I bet the library has a copy. Look through all of the school's publications (newspapers, Alumni magazines, yearbooks, course catalogs, pick up one of everything at your admissions office - he'll be there somewhere.)
No matter how scared you are to ASK for a picture, the "punishment" if he didn't want to give you one would be much more bearable than if he caught you spying on him. Because if you ask for a picture in a session, you are explaining a need that you have (which is what you are supposed to do in a session). If he says no, then he'll need to help you deal with that no. If you spy on him, then you are probing at him when he doesn't have the protection of his professional persona - and that persona protects YOU as well as him.
You don't WANT him to be angry or hurt.
You can tell him what you WANTED to do, but that you DIDN'T do.
I honestly understand the compulsion for more connection. I HAVE more connection with my current therapist because we have TALKED about it. Please try to talk about it with him, rather than acting on it.
Good luck.
poster:fallsfall
thread:324038
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040327/msgs/328995.html