Posted by crushedout on March 25, 2004, at 23:52:41
I think maybe it was because it was the last session of the week and I was trying to avoid the separation anxiety. So I was completely out of it, couldn't answer any of her questions about how I'd been feeling (when I'd been SI'ing earlier in the week), and was completely frustrating her. I was also smiling inappropriately throughout the session, which she remarked about. I felt embarrassed and psychotic.
I told her I felt like someone had shot me up with heroin or something. I was just numb and lethargic and could barely articulate myself. I wanted so much to be present for the session but I couldn't seem to be. When there were five minutes left, she asked me what I was feeling then, and I said, "Anxious. Anxious, nervous, scared, sad. Now I'm just sad." And I got a really sad look on my face and she said she felt sad with me and that it felt like a heaviness in her chest -- is that what I felt. I said yes. She asked me to talk about it. I said I had no words. Then I said I just was sad that our session was over and that I didn't want to leave and I started crying. She commended me for being present finally. She said it took a lot of courage and that she appreciated it.
I almost never cry in therapy. I'm glad I did today.
poster:crushedout
thread:328575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040321/msgs/328575.html