Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 6:41:16
In reply to Re: FEELING INVISABLE » Fallen4myT, posted by lonelygirl on March 25, 2004, at 2:55:24
I would hold you, lonelygirl. I know what it is like to want to be held. To need to be held.
You must have had so much pain earlier in your life, where people who should have loved you didn't. Where people who should have enjoyed your company didn't. You really expect the world to reject you - or (maybe this is worse) to not recognize that you exist. But it still hurts you everytime it happens. Even though you expect it to happen, there is a sliver inside you that says that maybe, just maybe, there is some person in the world who could see that you are a person. That you have feelings and hopes and talents and failures just like everyone else. And, so you keep looking for that person - but you have to be cautious - because you know that while you look for that person that there will be hurts along the way. Every person you meet, who you carry any hope at all for, can hurt you. You have to protect yourself the best you can. And that often means that you hide a bit, so people won't see you long enough to reject you. And the balance that you try to find is being careful enough so that you don't get so hurt that you can't go on, but brave enough to actually see if there IS someone out there who could care about you. This is a hard way to live.
But, you are starting to make a start. You have your therapist, and he wants to help you understand how this whole thing works. And he does want to help you figure out how to find people who care. And, I bet that he cares. He will make decisions on how he does his job so that he will be helping you. And when he has to choose between helping you, and helping himself, he will choose to help you. Like he wants to hear what you have to say. He doesn't ask you to solve his problems or talk about things that he is interested in. He wants to hear about what you are interested in, and help you understand the world and how you fit in. That's because he cares about you as a person.
And you have us. Lots of us understand a lot about what it must feel like to be you. Probably noone knows exactly how it is, but many of us understand completely at least some part of how you feel. I understand the safety of being in your own room by yourself. Where no one can reject you because no one is there. I also understand (oh, too well) the need to be held - to feel that someone likes you enough to want to be close to you and to comfort you and to protect you. Each of us can relate to some of your life, and by talking with us you can figure out that you aren't quite as unique as you think that you are. You aren't the ONLY person who feels the way you do. There is a community of people in the world who can understand you and who will care about you.
I know that sometimes (well, many times) it just feels safer to hide from people who will hurt you. But there are people in the world who will NOT hurt you, who WILL care. You don't want to always hide from them, too.
poster:fallsfall
thread:310190
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040321/msgs/328110.html