Posted by Racer on March 19, 2004, at 17:19:51
In reply to Re: Question about insight » Racer, posted by fallsfall on March 19, 2004, at 15:32:19
Nope, The Good Doctor EyeCandy will not address the issue. I tried to bring up to him a while back that I was concerned about my weight. I told him that I thought I needed to gain some weight, that I was not comfortable being so close to the danger zone and wanted a little padding for protection. He didn't just not engage in any sort of discussion of the matter, he threw himself into an emphatic, "NO!" Telling me that my weight was fine, that I shouldn't worry, etc.
Now, no matter what you call it, I've slipped again. I *know* from my scale that I've lost weight, but I am experiencing myself as hugely fat again. Even though I know that the scale is telling me something different, I look in the mirror and see huge thighs, flabby arms with droopy skin, and a great, huge belly hanging out. It doesn't matter that others are telling me that they're concerned with my weight loss, it doesn't matter that I recognize that there are dragons here, it doesn't matter that I have some clue about what's going on. And, no matter how much I try to tell myself that I have to eat more, or that I have to stop thinking about what I eat, I still find myself getting secretive about my eating, avoiding eating with anyone else around, etc.
My mother and I went out for something to eat to celebrate St Patrick's Day. Well, OK, we went out to celebrate getting a valve job done on my car, but it was on SPD. We went to Chevy's, I ordered a Margarita and chicken tamales. I love tamales, and I love margaritas. I drank less than half the margarita -- alcohol and empty calories -- and ate a bit more than one of the three tamales. My experience of it was that I was weak and lacking in impulse control for eating so much, and it made my stomach hurt a lot. My mother was appalled, so much so she actually said something was wrong, and that I was too thin. For my mother, that's a huge acheivement. She usually avoids talking about any of these things, because if she mentions them she might have to think about them and admit them. She's terrified of doing that. For her to say, out loud, that I'm too thin and something is wrong is very, very much a sign of progress and deep distress. And I'm feeling fat and self-indulgent.
Oh, well, here's the other side of the coin: I want to get help, but it won't be easy to help me at this point. They can't hospitalize me, because I won't be able to eat in the hospital. Short of that, they can maybe examine some of my emotional responses -- if they find me another therapist -- but there's not much they can do in the current situation. Sucks. A lot. And I know that I could stop it, if I were just strong enough.
Trust me, you don't want to be me right now. But thank you for asking that question. You're right, what's bothering me is not the philosophical question of how real the insight we have is, what's bothering me is that I don't feel as if I'm getting help and I do need it. It's as if he's absolved himself of any and all responsibility for that part of me, just because I don't fit into a preformed mold that he's looking for.
(Short story that applies from my view: as a teen, I injured my knee. Orthopedist was planning surgery, after several exams. He was telling me about what to expect when I showed up for surgery: "Now, you'll have to stop shaving your legs about two weeks before the surgery, because if you have any nicks or scrapes or cuts we'll have to cancel it..." This man, who had examined my leg minutes before, had not noticed that I did not shave my legs. He was so caught up by his own preconception that all women shaved, except those hairy legged feminazis, that he never even noticed the full complement of thin, fine, light brown hair covering my lower legs. That sums up my perception of doctors, and explains my belief that men do not see women.)
Again, you slammed me into a new perspective on this and I'm very grateful.
poster:Racer
thread:326006
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040313/msgs/326191.html