Posted by Racer on February 27, 2004, at 16:37:37
In reply to Re: Actually2... » Racer, posted by antigua on February 27, 2004, at 13:54:45
Sorry, I'm laughing so hard at something you wrote, about me being too hard on myself. When my pdoc said something about "perfectionists tend to do that," my first reaction was, "But I'm *not* a perfectionist, because I never do it quite right!" You can see why I'm laughing, can't you?
About the mother/daughter thing: Right now, I've lost just over 45 pounds since my latest depressive episode started. I know my mother is concerned about that weight loss. She made it clear by asking me one day what size jeans I was wearing that day. I must have gotten her communication genes, right? The other day, we went to an event together. My mother, who is -- remember -- concerned about my fairly dramatic weight loss, spent an inordinate amount of time pointing out women who "should have been at the gym instead of sitting around here" to me, and, at lunch, commented on the size of the portions, and said she, herself, had never been "an eating machine, because she'd never had a weight problem." Now, I know my mother a bit better than you do ;-) so I can tell you that she didn't mean the message I heard. I heard, "good people don't have weight problems," and I heard, "self-restrict your eating so you can be a good person," and I heard, "you aren't a good enough person, because you've had so many weight problems." That's nothing like what I *know* was in her head, which was focussing on weight related issues because her concern about my weight kept them in the forefront of her mind. Does that make sense?
I *know* it intellectually now. As a kid, as a teen, etc, I didn't and internalized all the things she ever said around the subject. In my late teens, one of her friends -- one of the only people ever to address my weight problems at all to me -- said that my mother was also suffering from a disordered eating habit and a fear of getting fat. It took years for that to sink it, but it finally did, and I can see my mother more clearly now. It helps, but it doesn't undo the damage that's accumulated over the years. THAT is a daunting task!
Thank you for telling me your experiences. It's such a difficult issue for me, all the way around, and it's gone on so long now that it *feels* natural and comforting to me, like a "lovey" blanket.
And I absolutely cringe when I hear about little kids "on diets," too. What little kids need isn't diets to restrict their weight, they need to learn to play! The more trees they climb, the less the chance of their developing weight problems. (And with climbing trees comes falling out of them, too. It's natural, it happens, and it's painful -- but it's not necessarily bad.) That's a soapbox issue for me, though, because my mother did play with me and I think it's what gives me whatever strength I have.
(Radio report the other day said the average child in this country watches 2 - 3 hours of TV per day? I watched in the ballpark of 4 - 6 hours, but my mother watched with me, and we did things while we watched. My mother would pick me up from school in the afternoon, when I was in grammar school, and race me home. She never let me win -- if I was going to win, I'd have to earn it. Some days we had walking races, instead of running. In other words, she played with me, she fed me as well as she could (long, tangled story there), and now, never-mind-how-many years later, I have tools from all that which allow me to assist myself.
Yeah, that's a rantlet for you, but thanks again for sharing your experiences -- and the healthy approach you're forming with your daughter.
poster:Racer
thread:317321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318309.html