Posted by Racer on February 25, 2004, at 11:05:35
In reply to What issues are you holding back from your T?, posted by tinydancer on February 25, 2004, at 6:07:05
Maybe we should make up a syndrome to go with that title, hey? Get it in the DSM?
I haven't gotten yet to how often I sabotage myself, and in how many ways. I haven't gotten to the subject of my eating or my weight or my worries about the same. And we were just barely starting to touch on the whole self-contradicting expectations thing when the ex-therapist was promoted out of clinical practice.
(Speaking of which, I called the new one yesterday, after a total meltdown, and SHE CALLED BACK!!! Make a note of this: calling back counts for a lot.)
And I know I'm back into starvation land, and I know that my body image is distorted again, and, while I can type it anonymously on this machine, I can't say it out loud, and I can't admit it when someone brings it up to me. It feels as if I could admit it to someone who approached it "right," but I don't know what right means in this case. Asking me "are you eating?" certainly ain't the right way, nor is "are you still losing weight?" And I know I'll lie about it all, if given a chance, so it's sort of another example of automagically setting myself up for defeat. I guess that's a big one that I'm withholding. That, and the fears surrounding it and causing it.
Good question, and thanks for posting it. It's so much easier to put some of this into writing from an anonymous place, and I just can't say it face to face.
(Oh, yeah, and it's probably not surprising that the pdoc and therapist haven't figured out how badly I'm doing: yesterday, my husband got shocked by how bad it was for me right now. He'd thought I was doing much better. If I can hide that well from someone who sees me every day, think how easily I must be overlooked by people who see me once a month or once a week?)
poster:Racer
thread:317436
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/317511.html