Posted by Dinah on January 28, 2004, at 8:38:18
In reply to Mulling over a contradiction, posted by tabitha on January 28, 2004, at 0:09:56
I'm not sure it was a contradiction. The group leader both validated V's conscious intention (which was positive) and pointed out that his actions didn't support his intent. It may be entirely possible that he wasn't aware that what he was doing was making "K" feel bad about expressing his honest emotions and being vulnerable, and making the rest of the group wary at the idea of "V" "caring" about them when they make themselves vulnerable.
I did notice that "V" didn't mind sitting with his own sad feelings. :) But I suppose there's no need to point that out if he gets the bigger picture about how he's alienating others even while he's trying to be helpful. And your therapist did it in a nonjudgmental way, putting the best possible interpretation on "V"'s unconscious motivations - that he couldn't tolerate "K"'s sad feelings. That's a much nicer interpretation than that "V" has no tolerance for what "V" might consider whining, and wants (especially other) people to yank themselves up by their bootstraps and straighten out their feelings and thoughts. Come to think of it, there are a fair number of people who are like "V". My father was one. If you tried to share pain, he would brush it off with one of his favorite personal beliefs. Suicidally depressed? You just need to party more. See, your brother is partying more and he's not depressed! Pat and easy answers to all of life's unpleasantness. While he emoted without worrying about alternatives.
But now I'm projecting. :) It sounds like "V" was more annoyingly chipper than "direct". It's a learned skill I think, and one I still haven't mastered, to listen to someone's pain without trying to cheer them up or "fix" the problem. Even my therapist falls into the "fixing" trap too often.
poster:Dinah
thread:306288
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040123/msgs/306343.html