Posted by Rigby on December 19, 2003, at 17:03:45
In reply to Re: following your tangent-Crushed » Rigby, posted by crushedout on December 19, 2003, at 14:29:50
I think I understand. You probably would like validation that there's some level of mutuality of these incredibly strong feelings. It's immensely frustrating--it was for me. But when I did get some level of validation I found it to be great on the one hand but troubling on the other too. I think by her revealing this I became quite scared--scared that the therapy, echoing some of the abuse issues I have, had become about the person in charge taking advantage of me. A therapist is supposed to, in a sense, take care of part of you. They have to be selfless and do this and it's not easy but by getting their needs mixed up in yours, it's, well, it's sorta like an adult using a kid for their needs when they're supposed to be taking care of the kid. I'm not sure if that's the best analogy but they are supposed to keep their stuff out of it. I kept thinking I couldn't proceed with her without some mutuality in it. She finally showed her cards and I got quite spooked by it. Be careful what you wish. If I played out the whole thing it was spooky too: I leave my wonderful girlfriend for her--she dumps her husband for me--we have each other and hell, I really don't know this chick from adam--who she really is, what she does with herself in her spare time, if she bathes, etc.--the fantasy can unravel quickly when you start wondering about personal hygiene, sleeping patterns, etc. That's a real buzz-kill if there ever was one.
> wow, rigby. that was an interesting story. thanks for sharing it. i kind of feel envious. that cancellation policy thing makes me mad. it seems unfair. (that's not the part that makes me envious, obviously.)
>
> me, i'm doing pretty well. i identify a lot with your story because i feel like my therapist has special feelings for me, too. (i hope it's not just wishful thinking.) and of course i'm totally in love with her. we still haven't addressed it very directly, but last week i read her a poem i wrote about her. so it's out there. as i've told you before, she's brought up "the sexuality between us" on a couple occasions but i've skirted around it. i'm scared to hear what she has to say. i don't want to be disappointed. nor led on. so it feels like a bad road to head down. but i also think we need to address it at some point. i'm hoping next week we can do it. i have a dream that i want to tell her about it, which could be a good segue. not extremely erotic, but maybe some undertones. i think she wants to talk about it, too, so all i need to do is open the door a crack.
>
> the whole thing gives me anxiety. i want so much to marry her. but she's already married. and, most importantly, she's my therapist, and a great one at that.
>
> it's so frickin confusing!
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> anyway, thanks again for sharing your story.
>
> crushed
>
poster:Rigby
thread:291099
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031213/msgs/291704.html