Posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 14:32:00
I need some advice.
In therapy we are starting to work on a really hard topic (my old therapist, for those of you who know me). I'm scared to work on this because I know that it reaches down very deep. But at the same time, I'm quite determined to look at it because I know that if I can make progess with this issue, that other things will be easier (both in my life and in therapy).
I see my therapist tomorrow and I believe that he will want to go after things agressively then. Last night, I woke up around 3:30, and kind of dozed from then until I got up at 8. It wasn't good sleep. I kept waking up, but I didn't get up. (Kara, I almost came downstairs to see if you were up, but I didn't) As I was getting ready to get up, I had an insight as to why this issue is so hard for me. I opened up a word processing document on my computer and I started to type. I even closed my eyes and typed with them closed (and a lot of the words are still typed right...). I was essentially typing free associations. I was trying to be as honest with myself as I could be. I printed it out.
I reread it, and then watched a couple of movies on TV because I was tired and depressed and didn't want to think about it. What I wrote wasn't particularly optimistic.
At one point, I had written: "What will I do if you think this is stupid? What if you don't think it is important? What if you think I've been reading too many Psych books? What if you think I'm just making this up? It is real. The rest of my life is less real. It is acting. Being "Mom" or "Fallsfall". But that is different from being ME."
What if I have been reading too many Psych books? What if what I wrote isn't true. What if I unconsciously (because I certainly didn't do it consciously) WANT him to see me that un-optimistic light (i.e. more pathology than he thinks now)? There are some phrases that I wrote that I could trace back to things that I have read. I know that those phrases would indicate severe problems. How can I tell if that's really how I feel, or if that's only how I want him to think I feel? It's kind of scary to me if I really do feel that way.
I don't know how to handle this tomorrow. I was going to read it to him. But I don't want to manipulate him. But I can't tell which it is. What am I supposed to do?
poster:fallsfall
thread:287450
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031202/msgs/287450.html