Posted by Karen_kay on November 25, 2003, at 20:31:04
In reply to Re: Follow up » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 19:58:28
> Wow,Karen, it sounds like you did good work today. That must have been a hard discussion, plus realizing that what you are curious about is "normal." It makes the upcoming Holidays just that much harder, huh?
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<<I let him do most of the work today. I just mostly felt stupid. And I hate feeling stupid. Or, should I say I felt needy and clingy. And, the conversation that *we* had, he had. He pretented to be my father. And he said he was sorry. And it was nice and good to hear. But IT wasn't real. Because HE isn't my father. So, in a way, it was nice to hear things that a father would say to a daughter, but again, it only brings me back to my fantasy world that I constantly live in. And that, my friend, is my biggest problem. I tend to avoid things. I think if my clothes look nice, if my hair looks perfect, if I look put together, if my house is spotless, if I drive a nice car, if I have good grades, if I look like I have it together THEN people won't know just how much I am falling apart. And, I tend to regress into my own fantasy world as well. I can talk myself into forgetting how bad things are. If I throw my bills away, I forget they exist. If my shrink is reparenting me, I can talk myself into believing that he is in fact my father. If I forget that my dad touched me, then it didn't even happen... And so it goes.... My whole world is just fantasy and make believe and I control what happens.. But, I don't want to wake up to reality. Because in reality I get hurt. And in reality, I'm not always in control. And, in the real world, I get hurt. And I really don't like to get hurt. Oh, why don't I tell my shrink this crap??? I might actually accomplish something if I did, you know it......
As for the holidays, well everything didn't work out exactly as I planned so I may just stay home by myself. Just to spite my boyfriend. I'm horrible, I know... I have some school work to catch up on anyway.. No time like the present. And I could do without seeing my mother for a while. But, I do miss my sisters a whole lot :( I could do without traveling out of state...
poster:Karen_kay
thread:283277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031123/msgs/283795.html