Posted by DaisyM on October 21, 2003, at 13:22:41
In reply to Re: Getting worse » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on October 21, 2003, at 8:57:10
I told him that I was embarressed that I couldn't work it out on my own and ended up calling him -- and that I felt like a huge pain and that he would end up mad at me. It was interesting because he started out reassuring me that it was really OK, he wanted to know how the weekend went and thought my chosen coping skill (cleaning everything in sight!) was really OK. He did say that he thought I was terrified of needing him (YOU THINK!?) and that I would probably continue to struggle with this...and he would probably have to tell me a hundred times that it was OK to need people, him included. But then I told him I needed a pep talk, I felt like I was getting worse. But, I didn't get a pep talk...I got, "well, it will probably be this way for awhile because we are going into some deep and dangerous places for you. That is why we are meeting more frequently right now, to help contain the flooding." Great. Thanks. I told him there is a hole in my container...at least he laughed.
It was complicated in my house growing up so asking for emotional support, in any fashion, just wasn't done. That isn't too say that I wasn't loved or never hugged but there was a level of unpredictability and then, unavailability, on the part of both of my parents. (There I go again -- my standard, it wasn't THAT bad, so I SHOULDN'T feel this bad, other people have had it way worse...My Therapist has noticed this, commented on it, points it out when I diminish what happend but I've noticed he never actually disagrees that it wasn't that bad.)
I, in turn, do back flips to be available to my children, emotionally and actually physically being here. This has been a recent topic for exploration in therapy as well, how is my present depression going to negatively impact my children -- and how hard I work to keep all this from them. They are not babies (teens/preteen)so they notice stuff.
I also said yesterday that I was thinking if I took a couple of days off, isolated myself and really processed all of these thoughts for 48 hours -- really worked on this stuff -- that maybe I could get through it and be done with it. He told me this was a bad idea, it doesn't work that way and to put that notion right out of my head. Vacation for selfcare is what he is advocating for. How do you vacation from your thoughts?!
Thanks for the support all.
poster:DaisyM
thread:271258
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031011/msgs/271518.html