Posted by Adia on September 14, 2003, at 16:49:32
In reply to Re: she will keep on working with me... :o) » Adia, posted by HannahW on September 13, 2003, at 22:09:55
Dear Hannah,
((((hugs and thank you so much)))
Thank you for sharing with me ..I really can't express how much it meant and means to me...
Thank you from my heart.
I am glad that you are going to risk sharing your feelings with your own therapist next time you see her :o) I will be thinking of you...
I had never expressed anger before, because my need to be loved and accepted is much greater than any other feeling..but she said she wants me to show her all I feel inside, and everything I am..because I always go to her with the fear and fragility and smallness of the little girl that wants her protection...She told me that it was good that I could feel I could defend myself or had the right to defend myself or to say that my feelings matter, I had never said that or felt that I could matter a little..
Thank you for saying that it will help you to talk and open up to your own therapist too..
I really wish you the best in your next session...
It encourages me to try to take little steps ...I'm glad you are going to try...Let me know how it goes...You are right that experiencing that pain instead of keeping it inside is what can help us know where to go or what we truly need to work on inside...
she did a kind of roleplay for me to see how I go to her or what I say and what I am hiding, what I don't say but I am feeling..and she put into words most of what I feel...She talked about my fears of letting go and losing control,that deep hurt I feel inside, as if I were a little girl still being hurt ...and the feelings I have about that, physical and heart feelings...how I cannot control that and when it happens I look for her to 'rescue' me or help me inside..or know all I hide...how I beg her for help and she can't help me if I don't tell her what's happening..then she talked about touch and how I can't stand that at all (I am losing my partner because of that)..and it brings me back to that terror and helplessness I used to feel...)
I will try to share with her next week somehow, I can't go backwards, I will really try to open up to her, I'm scared of not knowing how or not being able to, but I will really try not to give in to silence and fear and to take one more baby step...I gave her the letter I had written sharing about my feelings of despair and of being in danger and about some of the feelings of the little girl inside...and how I had felt that time with her, that it was happening and she was leaving me somehow at the mercy of someone doing that to me..
She told me she would read it and we could start from there...
It's hard to know what to work on, because I have this feeling of urgency inside, I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I feel so afraid...but I hang on to the hope of knowing that I don't have to hide anymore and nothing bad will happen...
I will try to go deep and open up to her...
I do feel it's like learning to talk 'cause I am not used to name things or give words to things out loud....and risk being rejected or not liked or accepted..but I do believe it is the best thing to do...
Thank you again for all your support and for sharing with me ....You make me feel so safe...Please let me/us know how it all goes with your therapist next time you see her...
I will be thinking of you...
Thank you for letting me share and thank you sooooo much for your encouragement.. :o)All my support to you,
THANK YOU !!
Adia.> Did she give you an "assignment" for next week? Is there a particular issue you're going to be working on first? I don't mean to pry, I just wondered if you're already thinking about what to say at your next session in the name of progress.
>
> Truly, I'm thrilled that this is working out for you. You've tapped into your ability to take more than one baby step, and now you can continue with that momentum. Maybe your new goal should be a grow-up step--not a giant step--but just a grown-up step--two or three baby steps at a time. Are you up to it? This last attempt of yours has brought you nothing but victory, acceptance, and understanding.
>
> The cliche about the longest journey beginning with a single step is true. You took that first grown-up step, so you're on your way! Now for the next step. You've done it before, you can do it again! Way to go!
>
> Hannah
>
poster:Adia
thread:259462
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/259993.html