Posted by Penny on July 21, 2003, at 13:03:24
In reply to Re: Not Forever therapy, posted by Morgen on July 21, 2003, at 11:27:07
I haven't posted in the past few days, but I feel a need to respond to your post.
I moved in August of last year and saw my previous therapist for the last time in February. After moving (only a couple of hours away), I was able to go back to Charlotte, where she is, a few times and to have phone sessions with her a few times before ending. In the meantime, I found a new therapist.
I had already gone through some of the separation stuff because she had a baby a little over a year ago and was out for almost 3 months. I thought I was going to die, really, and didn't know how I would ever survive without her. She tried to set me up with a substitute therapist, but I only saw the sub twice before deciding I didn't really like her - it wasn't a good fit.
Anyway, just before her maternity leave, I was having major depression and emotional issues, which were definitely made worse by the impending separation. I loved her soooo much. It was sooooo painful. More painful, I think, than almost anything I'd ever gone through. And I agree, the term transference does not in anyway do it justice. My love for her was a mother-child kind of love, though not really either. It's hard to explain, but I have a feeling you know what I mean. A unique feeling that I can't say I had ever had for anyone else. And the fact that the love was reciprocal only made it that much worse.
Anyway, it was only a few months after her return that I moved. And then, too, I thought I was going to die. Didn't know what I was going to do, but was so glad she agreed to see me occasionally until I found a new therapist. By the time we ended in February, I had started seeing a new therapist here and felt comfortable with her. It made the transition much easier. However, that last session was still very tearful and I left very very upset. No matter how much preparation went into it, it still felt like it came too soon.
My biggest concern, I think, was that I would never find another therapist I 'loved' as much as her. But that's not what happened. I 'love' my current therapist too, but in a different way. I don't think I realized how much I had grown with my first therapist until I started getting into things with my second. They have a lot of the same approaches, but enough differences to make my therapy now worthwhile (i.e. I'm not going through the same stuff in the same way).
My new therapist is a better fit for me now than my old therapist would be, I think, but my old therapist was a great fit for me when I needed her to be. They aren't really comparable, but both are wonderful people and talented therapists and BOTH CARE ABOUT ME.
Please remember that - true, your therapist doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for her, but it doesn't mean she doesn't really and truly care about you. As I've posted on here before, I realize that we pay them to be our therapists, but I see that as a formality. I think they care for us for free, but we pay them because they have to make a living just like anyone else. Good therapists, I would imagine, invest a lot of time and emotion in their work. That's not to say that they don't have to maintain some kind of professional outlook and distance from their clients, otherwise, they'd probably go crazy! But, can't you feel the emotion? My old therapist once wanted me to call her to check in every night, just leaving her a message, because I wasn't doing well. Once when I forgot to call (or perhaps I didn't because I was testing her in a way), she called me the next day. Another time when I was resistant she said she would sleep better at night knowing that I was okay. Yes, she had her own life, her own family, and I was part of her career, but that didn't mean she wasn't passionate about her work and very caring toward her clients. At our last session, she wrote me a letter summing up our three years together and everything I had worked through. She read it to me. She really did care about me. She talked to my current therapist so she could fill her in on some of my issues, and my current therapist told her that if she ever wanted to know how I was, she could just call her.
My current therapist has given me her home phone number and her cell phone number in case I absolutely need to reach her. She's there for me. She thinks about me. Again, I know her feelings toward me aren't the same as my feelings toward her, but that doesn't mean she doesn't feel strongly or that she doesn't care. I know she does. She wouldn't do all that she does to help me if she didn't.
And then there's my psychiatrist. He also cares. He gives his patients his pager number and tells us to page 'anytime' day or night. He works with me on my payments, waiving part of his fee, because he knows I'm having financial difficulty right now. He sees me late in the evening on a Friday because I'm having a crisis and I need to be seen. He really and truly cares.
I know what you mean about feeling abandoned. I felt that too. I felt some anger toward my former therapist even though it was I who was moving. I couldn't help it. Then I felt myself thinking of all the things about her that were imperfect - and comparing her to my new therapist and wondering how I could have ever thought that I would never find someone I liked as much.
>And of course, I recognize its not rational, though there are parts of me that argue that it is. For instance, I’ve been coming to sessions now for over a year, and among our very first sessions were discussions about how it was difficult for me to open up because I knew our relationship was temporary.
Are feelings ever 'rational'???? I had the same trust issues with my former, and current, therapists due to being let down so many times. I just KNEW when my former therapist left on maternity leave she wouldn't come back - even though she said she would, barring something beyond her control. She did come back.
Another problem: I went into therapy with my current therapist with the intention of not becoming as emotionally attached to her, because when I started therapy the first time I didn't even think about it ending, and when it did it was more painful than I ever could have imagined. But, guess what? I'm very emotionally attached to my current therapist, but now I'm a bit more prepared. That's not to say that it will be any easier when it comes time to end, but at least I know now what to expect. It takes time for those wounds to heal, and I think a new (good) therapist can make that much easier.
Not to mention that I believe I am addicted to the hour I am in the room with her and I feel safe and taken care of. It is one of the only moments in my week that I get to have that feeling. So, despite the future pain of separation, I let it happen. I let myself be attached to her. And I try to not think about the end...
Be strong. You will survive this, even if it feels like you won't. And, from my perspective, it would be very beneficial for you to find a new therapist in your new hometown asap.
Penny
poster:Penny
thread:220332
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030711/msgs/243911.html