Posted by Sean01 on January 2, 2003, at 21:48:37
In reply to More on Dissociative Disorder » Sean01, posted by lorelai on January 1, 2003, at 20:57:26
Lorelai...
thanks for your interest in learning more about my GF. first, your BF's description of "shark eyes" gave me chills. it describes exactly the look in MY GF's eyes. her face also seems to become "flatter"...less texture or shape. less life I suppose. it is spooky, but unmistakable to me.
I don't truly know how aware (co-conscious) she is of her other alters, nor am I sure exactly how many other alters there are. I would guess about 4 that I can distinguish. I think most are at least partly aware of the others, but I also think there is at least one which is completely unaware of the others...to the point of not recognizing ANYONE! ...including friends, family, or me. I have never "seen" this alter in a face to face, but have "seen" her online. there have been some very weird times when "someone" is online on her account, but doesn't acknowledge me. I have had a brief "converastion" with this alter online, and it has been very strange. she is harsh and profane. for the longest time we both thought someone had stolen her account password, because I would tell her what happened and she would deny it emphatically. she insisted it wasn't her and that someone must be online using her account. yet she would also confess that she has had other friends who have had very similar excperiences with this "other" person using her account. only after beginning to understand all of this and witnessing all the other bizarre manifestations did I start to suspect it was really her...in a very unconscious alter. I have "seen" this alter indirectly also in stories or events that I witness or that she tells me, where there is a major disconnect from logic, or time sequence, or context, or other events or circumstances I know about. that she has a truly unconscious alter is the only "explanation" that can bridge these otherwise disconnected, or logically incongruous events. fortunately this extreme is very rare.
her life reflects the predictable and classic symptoms of this fractured set of personalities. memory loss, total or even partial or dreamlike, creates a life of chaos and "disorder." money is hard to manage, bills don't get paid, commitments, dates, and meetings are missed. work suffers. relationships with family, friends, and lovers are sporadic and full of drama. weird things are a daily occurence - weird conversations, events that don't make sense, behavior that is erratic. she sometimes tells me the most hard to believe stories, and there have been times when something "slips" to expose that whatever she said was pure make believe, or gross exaggeration of a real event.
as for her past and the root cause behind all this, I fear the worst. apparently 98% of DID sufferers have been the victims of sexual abuse. when I first got to know her - when these strange happenings were new to me, and thus the most bizarre - my instincts were that she had been sexually abused by her father. something was just not right, something just didn't add up. any inference I would make - very delicately of course - as to this possibility, she initially would dismiss angrily. later she would admit to not knowing whether it happened or not. then she decided that the real problem was abondonment by her mother. there is no question that this is true, but she was also, at minimum, seriously abused emotionally by her father...which I learned as she grew to trust me more and would reveal more and more to me. eventually she confessed that she had been sexually abused by her mother's boyfriend...when she was about 14 or 15 I think (she's 29 now).
recently she had lunch with her father, and admitted to me after that she felt very uncomfortable around him. she sees him about once every few months. she had breast implants about 2 years ago, and she said she felt him "looking at them" and being very fidgety and ill at ease. other stories she has told paint a father who is obsessively controlling and psycholgically abusive and manipulative. taken together it paints a scary portrait of the classic sexually abusive parent! BTW, she had a son at 16 with a BF who became very physically abusive.
so, it is painfully clear she has gotten it from all sides. it's incredible to me that through all this she is such a wonderfully beautiful person! yet, it is so incredibly sad, and makes me very angry that the people who she should most be able to trust and protect her have hurt her and failed her so horribly! that a child subjected to such mind warping trauma would seek the safety - for self survival - in an alter reality or personality is not hard to understand. and hence the very real psychoses of this disorder.
out of pure survial instincts her child's mind "adapted" to the very real danger to her life and mental well-being by creating a "place" to run away to that was safe, or to another personality better equipped to deal with the threat.
imagine now as an adult trying to assimilate or reconcile these distinct realities that have been so critical to her survival? her mind is wired to respond to certain stimuli that trigger the self preservation mechanism. and those triggers are unconscious, deeply encoded to the brain's adapted wiring - they are totally out of her control. with my GF, when the trigger is "switched" the transformation can be sudden and dramatic.
it logically is probably easier on an already traumatized mind to be unconscious of the alters, because to be aware of them would be such a hard to resolve continuous riddle that would thus be incredibly distracting and totally dysfunctional. of course the confounding dilemma of this is that if you're not aware of the alters, how do you know you have a problem? and how easy it is to be delusional and make excuses or rationalize - even when confronted by the people who care about you!?
you manage to balance - barely - all the weird things happening around you - and life goes on...with the pattern stuck in a non-ending vicious cycle of chaos and drama. so it is with my GF.both her parents seem, at best, unusually neurotic. her mom suffers the same disorder I think. scarier still, my GF very recently told me her son (now 12) has this "strange" personality that unnerves her. says at times he doesn't act like "himself." she doesn't recognize him. she described to me how his voice changes and his face grows dark. she says she notices it when she talks about his father, who he barely knows, but has been mostly uncaring and totally out of his life. she was unaware that as she described this "alter" personality in her son, she was describing herself. he has depended on her his whole life - they are very close. so it is no wonder that he would learn HER coping skills! it is so very very sad, and breaks my heart.
I have not spoken to her since the day after xmas. we have been "broken up" (again) for the last few weeks, yet had remained good friends. and the core person returns every few days and warmly embraces me, and talks of how much she misses me, how she just wishes I would come to her house and get down on one knee and propose to her, and tell her to "just shut up!" (her words - meaning no more going around in circles talking about it, and just doing it!)
when we last spoke I had told her my daughter (she's 11) had bought her a xmas gift, as had I (for her and her son) and that we wanted to get together to give them to them. she said that would be nice, and said that she would call me the next morning to arrange to meet that day. I have not heard from her at all. we have been online at the same time - she knows I'm online - but nothing. no phone call, no email, nothing. this is a pattern that has recurred innumerable times in our relationship. when we do eventually speak, she has no memory of what she said, or planned, or committed to do. she just "goes away."
I have not contacted her either, not out of spite or vengeance, but because I feel her core needs to feel the "distance" and, hopefully, become very aware of my not being present in her life. I suppose my hope is that her core - who genuinely loves and adores me (and my daughter) - will not want to have me out of her life, and will not allow the alters to keep driving me away. I thoroughly realize that this is very simplistic and not a realistic "solution." she is not likely to just suddenly "snap out of it" - for any reason. but I also don't really know what else to do at this point.
not to worry - I have a great life, a great daughter, and I've been blessed with a strong sense of self. but I do love her and her son very deeply! I feel so utterly helpless not to be able to help her shed these demons, and finally be able to live the full, happy, peaceful life she and her son deserve!
her core person is so beautiful, brave, charming, and full of life - and she has been a GREAT mom! In many ironic ways she is my hero! I am often amazed that she has become who she is given what she has endured! it is why I am unwilling to abandon her. that is what every other person close to her in her life has done. I don't want to do anything that exacerbates that cycle - rather I want to be part of breaking that insidous cycle.
sorry for the ramble, but I hope you can feel just how deeply this worries me, and how deeply I care. thanks for listening. good night.
Tad
poster:Sean01
thread:1196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021230/msgs/2029.html