Posted by terra miller on June 16, 2002, at 14:08:10
In reply to Anyone else resent depressed parent? (serious rant, posted by InsomniaMom on June 15, 2002, at 23:00:07
I have so many thoughts that come to mind.
First, I validate that what you are saying and feeling is very real and exasperating and I totally hear all of that.
Random other thoughts:
There is a difference between depression and depression which takes on forms of manipulation. These are not the same, and from what you describe -and of course knowing nothing at all about you- what you are dealing with mentally and what how you describe your mom seem very different.
Some other things- a person has to want to get better on their own for them to get better. It sounds like in your case, that you are doing what you can to get better... which leads to the conclusion that it will happen and that you can break the cycle so that you don't do this to your own child.
Advice in dealing with your feelings: It will do no good to vent at your mom. It might feel good to you for a time, but that probably won't last. And it's probable that it won't have any effect on your mom. I suggest venting it all on somebody that can help and support you.. here is good, or another support group or therapist. You have to get out what you are feeling, but I suggest you do it somewhere that you are supported and for the purpose of getting it out and not to just hold onto it and not let go. If you hold onto it, then you become a slave to your feelings and you don't want that.
In relating to your mom I make the following suggestion: To remain sane, you have to do what is best for you. This requires looking and digging deep inside and listening to what you really want to do/out of life and not what you think others want for you or will say to you if you make such and such choices. Then you should respond out of what you want, and not what your siblings want/say or what your mom wants/says or what the social worker wants/says. You are entitled to your own personal boundaries and nobody has to agree with you at all because your personal boundaries are totally up to you. If you decide it isn't in the best interests of you and your immediate family to deal with your mom (fill in the blank about whatever you are thinking about), then you make that choice. And then.... it's very helpful to tell one person that you trust what it is that you have decided to do. Because when it comes to asserting that decision, it is likely that you will feel weak about it and maybe ashamed or maybe like you aren't being responsible or all of those kinds of things, and it might leave you feeling really crappy about yourself. That's when a good friend or colleague or therapist can jump right in and affirm your decision and tell you about the truth- that you really are a good person regardless of how other people may respond to you.
Guess bottom line is to have support from people who will affirm that you are good. And then decide what it is that you want and not what you think other people want you to say. And then act on those decisions. And when you doubt yourself, run (do not walk... run) to your support people so they can put an end to those doubts and affirm your choices.
You get stronger each time you stand up for what you want. It's not easy at all. But it gets easier in increments. After a while you find that you just won't put up with anything anymore- not because of anger but because you've learned to respect yourself- and you will be able to look back and see things for what they are. When you're in the middle of it, it all feels like a cloud.
Take what you can use and throw away the rest. :-)
Respectfully,
Terra
poster:terra miller
thread:355
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020516/msgs/366.html